I Could Have Died But I Didn't #2

So everyone has the one time in their life that they think "Geez, I really could have died." Well I could have died pulling walking to the mailbox and tripping over my own feet and cracking my head open but that never happened. I'm just saying, everyone gets at least one of those oddball stories.
Y'all, I have tons. Most of them are from driving in Houston, because let's face it... the driving lessons must have slipped their minds before getting behind that wheel.
My number one was my most recent surgery back in February of 2017. Now if you read my first ever post, this would be my second tumor removed out of my head. I think I've got this surgery thing down by now. You see a ton of doctors and get lots of MRIs and tests and blood work, and ohhh the paperwork. I sign my name so fast it doesn't look like a name. It doesn't resemble a letter. 
Okay. Back to the point. So this tumor is right next to my pituitary gland and optical nerves and major arteries... here. You can watch a video.

Gross right? So mine was bigger and more complicated because they had to go in the same hole they drilled through the last time and they weren't 100% sure I'd make it out at my 100%. I'm pretty stubborn and my kids need me so I did. So here's the skinny, I was in recovery and my son came in just to see me. I was not letting him see me like that. So what did I do? Selfie!

Yes. Against everyone telling me to lay down and I was too drugged out to even be awake, I set up and showed my son that I was okay. That's what moms do.
So my little anxiety ridden son left that day with a lot less stress about me and more stress about going home without me.
So, after my fair share of torture in the neuro ICU (just kidding, Houston Methodist is amazing) I'd had my fill of hearing the crying and the smells of God knows what I was smelling cause it was NOT coming from me. They checked to see if I could stand up, and I did. They just stared at me like I was a freak of nature. I was like, cool. Can I go home now? No such luck. They don't let you leave a day after brain surgery. BUT I can can talk them into three. I was in my own room, walking myself to the restroom, moving around like an old lady... slightly nauseated. I had to get out of there. My kids needed me. So day THREE: I was outta there. Bruised. Alive.

And... I still don't follow the rules.

I know there are the DUH rules about being a mom. There's the bedtime rule, the feed your kid rule, and of course the potty train your kid before they get into school rule. 
Let me tell you something. I am not spending one more minute hovering over my kid's sink trying to shove their toothbrush into the right spot just to get spat on. 
I am taking my kids to the dentist every six months like I'm supposed to. I tell them to go brush their teeth like I'm supposed to. For the love of all that is holy! My son is 14! So yes, I took his whiny butt to the dentist today to get a few fillings. Yes, the dentist glared at me and was trying to talk to ME about oral hygiene like a freaking 5 year old. Kid, I'm older than you and I was learning how to brush my teeth when your parents were in middle school. Don't talk to me about how to brush teeth.

 So check this out: I sat in the corner of the room watching my son get his fillings and I was just commenting on how it didn't hurt, it was just the cold water. He's never going to get a girlfriend with nasty teeth and bad breath. 
The assistant literally turned around and asked what my problem was. 
MY PROBLEM? Heffa! The kid won't brush his teeth and I'm sitting in a chair while your boss is drilling holes in his permanent teeth. Are you paying for it? No? Shut it.
Yes, I was the ultimate bitch today. I have to use that word because there is not one single word that could possibly describe what was going through my head.
How did I end up with a daughter that is going to need major orthodontic work, yet brushes and flosses and even uses mouthwash like she's supposed to, yet her big brother can't seem to brush his teeth?
I quit. I'm done. Not even two hours later he had managed to hunt down one of those push-pop suckers that moms fear at the check out lines at grocery stores. BLUE TEETH y'all. They were blue. Like I wouldn't notice? COME. ON.
So, I'm gonna feed him. I'm gonna provide for him what I'm supposed to. But if one more person tells me I need to brush his teeth for him... middle finger right up in their face, cause it ain't happening. Nope. I am done. Forget the rules. 

Sleep Deprived Mom

I can't even tell you how many articles and blog posts I've read about how to utilize your time as a mom so you can get enough sleep. I've decided it's all crap. Once you first hold that kid in your arms, it's over.
Babies of course have the worst schedules, so you're up every few hours for feedings and random noises that wake you up. For those of you that have had a baby with health issues, such as colic (Colic is a condition where there are repeated bouts of excessive crying in a baby who is otherwise healthy. The definition doctors use is: a baby crying for more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week, for at least one week.), know that it's very possible to lose your sanity without a few hours of sleep.

Toddlers... why do their brains work so hard at night?! I mean, really? Night terrors gave ME night terrors. The minute you hear that blood curdling scream it's like you're on adrenaline overload. First you are running to the child that isn't even awake enough to tell you what's wrong with them. Then you are trying to calm the screaming down any way that could possibly work (all the while realizing that you really need to pee).
Moms, it doesn't stop there. You will never nap again. There is always going to be something. A child getting into trouble while you close your eyes for a few minutes is the least of your concerns.
I have a sleepwalker/sleep-talker and and a 2 am potty break queen that doesn't get up. She just starts crying until I escort her sleeping self to the bathroom. That's just me, and I thank God that I'm a light sleeper after catching my son walking out the front door at 1 am.
And then comes the hormonal preteen. They stay up late, over thinking things and start taking naps at odd hours all over again, so they think it's perfectly normal to wake you up to ask you a random question about why they need new clothes after you've been asleep for 30 minutes.
Teenagers... looking back and remembering that I used to be one, I've decided I'm never going to sleep again. Teens are getting so creative these days as far as getting out at night and getting in to some sort of trouble whether we know it or not. Remember those jerks that almost smashed your car and you couldn't help but want to choke them and wonder who let them pass drivers ed? Yeah, that's going to be your kid. I literally have no advice. I think about all of the things I remember doing as a teen, the insane things my classmates did, and the horrifying things I hear the "good kids" are doing... I find myself researching boarding schools and high-tech home security systems, right along with animal-type tracking implants with heart monitors and stuff that hasn't been invented yet.
I've reached the point that I can no longer contemplate my children going off to college so I'll end on this note: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Where do you draw the line? Kid Model VS Victim

As a photographer, I've had some pretty insane requests. People will ask you to make them look 20 years younger or 50 lbs lighter, to which I kindly reply, "I will try." It's when the requests regarding children is where I, as the photographer, will gladly draw the line.

Photo Courtesy: polkaphotos.com

Not too long ago I had an 18 year old give me a call requesting boudoir pictures. The first thing she asked when I answered the phone was, "How much does it cost to have boudoir portraits taken?"
Before you start flipping out, I don't take boudoir pictures. I just don't. But as a mom, I just couldn't resist asking her some questions. She sounded so young on the phone that I just let it all out.
1. How did you hear about me? A: I looked up a photographer online.
2. Did my online listing say that I did that type of session? A: I don't know.
3. Why are you wanting to do a boudoir session? A: I thought it'd be cool.
4. How old are you? A: I just turned 18. 
If I could have reached through the phone and put her in a choke hold, I probably would have. I then gave her the talk. By talk, I mean... Areyoufreakingcrazy? You'rejustcallinganyphotographer? Areyoucheckingforreferences? Doyourealizethosepictureswillexistforever? Areyoutryingtogiveyourmotheraheartattack?
I made her swear she wouldn't do it... but had her crying by the end of the call.
This brings me to my topic: Where do you draw the line?

Photo Courtesy: Maaji Swimwear

I absolutely will NOT take pictures of a child wearing make-up or skimpy clothing. Yes, I will tell a teenage girl that I won't take a picture of her in semi-revealing tankini. Sure, I'll set up a hair stylist to make a little girl look perky and fun. I'll gladly have a stylist create a unique up-do for senior pictures. I will not take pictures of a 7 year old girl in a bikini and makeup.
After seeing some extremely "inappropriate" pictures lately, I can't help but wonder who draws the line and where?
First you have the parents that think, "Oh my gosh! My baby is going to be modeling and will be in BLABLABLA magazine!" Then you have the photographer that's MAYBE thinking, "Whatever these magazine folks want, because I have bills to pay." But then you have to think about the magazines and websites that might or might not be advertising a product. Who are they marketing to?! Is my daughter going online to pick out a $70 bikini? Um... no. Are they marketing to moms that are keeping up with the Kardashians? Who had the genius idea to put a little girl on a magazine page with enough make-up to cause early onset acne and style her like a covergirl?
It's not the playing dress-up that's bothering me. It's not even (maybe a little) the posing like a pin-up model. What's bothering me is that somehow these pictures are going in magazines to be handed out for whatever reason... and it's almost exactly what some pedophiles are being arrested for having saved on their hard drive at home. Don't get me wrong. There's definitely a nudity line (not a strong enough line). Where do you draw the line with everything else? Why can't we let a kid be a kid and not dress them up like "Barbie dolls" when you can go buy a doll at the store? Grow up folks! It's not cute or sweet. It's not even art. It's wrong.

Beat the Summer Blues

Because I had the genius idea of having my office right across the hall from my kids' rooms, I'm not getting ANYTHING done during the day! I don't know why I bother walking in there. I walk towards the door and I have a shadow asking, "Mommy, what are you doing? You aren't going to work, are you?"
Of course not. Why would I ever want to do that? - I need a break from my kids.

I started an early morning walking group with some other moms in my neighborhood. I need the exercise, don't get me wrong, but it's mostly the only time I have with other adults, even if it is for only 45 minutes at the crack of dawn.

Earlier this summer, I brought up the topic of having fun kid activities lined up for this summer on the neighborhood website. I had all sorts of feedback! You wouldn't believe all of the awesome ideas these folks were forking out.

Just in case you want the list:

Sell lemonade AND wash bikes for a buck.
Giant bubble recipe & directions http://tatertotsandjello.com/2010/08/sum...
Make ice cream in baggies http://www.growingajeweledrose.com/2013/...
For TWEENS 40 card games & Minute to Win It games + many more http://childhood101.com/2014/07/23-activ...
GIRLS Make up party, Mall make up, make jewelry, sew a pillow, Make a name sign with photographs of friends posing letters
FAIRY HOUSES http://www.houseofhawthornes.com/were-ba...
BOYS: play real marbles, origami, paper airplanes, foil boats - which one holds the most cargo. Fastest Lego car, cook:https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q...
Scavenger Hunt change themes.. by colors, 1 of anything 2 of something 3... something for each letter in SUMMER...
Science Experiments http://www.growingajeweledrose.com/2013/...
20 fun ways to use a pool noodle http://www.babble.com/home/20-clever-way...
INDOOR ACTIVITIES photos & directions:http://blissfullydomestic.com/life-bliss...

Let me tell you how excited I was.... I ALMOST had the ambition to do cartwheels in the backyard. I couldn't wait for the super-mommies in the neighborhood to get things rolling! The very next day I was receiving inquiries on when I was going to set up these activities. Crap. Me? No. Not happening. So, now you have an awesome list of ideas for your kids to fill up their summertime with their little friends. I'm going to keep working on finding a sucker to take up the job here in my hood. Wish me luck.

Your Kids have TOO MANY TOYS! Now What?

Your kids have too many toys. Your friends have told you. Your neighbors have told you. The babysitter has told you several times. What's stopping you from doing something about it? Ah, yes. The crying and screaming that you don't want to deal with is the reason your home is in complete chaos and you can't walk across your kid's bedroom without stepping on something. Let's work on NOT having a sharp pain under your foot for a while, shall we? Here are some steps you can take to clean it out!

Step 1. The first thing you need to do is stop adding to the collection of JUNK that seems to end up

under the bed... or even your bed for that matter. You do not need to buy a toy every time you step into Target just so you can go shopping in peace. If you're having a problem breaking that habit, give the kids their own shopping list. It'll give them a responsibility as well as keep you on track. Let's save you some money while you're at it!

Step 2. Talk to your friends and relatives. Let them know that you are clearing things out. They might have some ways to help "make things disappear" or they will at least know that they don't need to add to the collection any time soon.

Step 3. Give them the opportunity to pick out what they want to lose first. You can get creative with this, too. You can put out some boxes with labels that show whether the child wants to sell it (garage sale! Let them keep the money!), donate it to children that don't have toys, or toys that are broken and need to hit the trash can. This can amazingly cut that pile in half.

Step 4. Pack up half of what's left in storage tubs. They can pick what goes in them to play with later, because it's time to rotate. If your child has too many options, they lose imaginative skills. They need to be creative with what they have! You can switch them out every six months, which gives you another opportunity to clean out the newest junk.

Step 5. This may be hard at first, but you can tell your child(ren) that if you find a neglected toy where it doesn't belong, it goes in a donation box. Basically, "It's mine. You lost it when you decided not to take care of it." It hurts at first, but eventually they'll catch on.

Step 6. If you really want to get creative about it, and if you are friends with moms that have kids near the same ages, you can put things into a trade box. Each kid has to put several toys in a box so they can choose one "used/new" toy out of a friend's box. This way, they may be losing a bunch of toys, but they get something else to play with. Take what's left to a facility that helps foster children!

Next thing you know, you have managed to get rid of at least a fourth of the junk that's taking up so much space. You won't hear "I"M BORED!" quite so often. The only project left will be to show your children how to keep what they have organized. Unfortunately, this is a "lead by example" situation. Have them help you organize a room that you've been ignoring, and in turn, help them organize. It won't happen overnight, that's for sure. But either decide to take action, or keep stepping on toys. Your choice!

NOW GET ORGANIZING!

Patience is a Virtue

According to Wikipedia, "Patience is a virtue is a proverbial phrase referring to one of the seven heavenly virtues typically said to date back to "Psychomachia," an epic poem written in the fifth century." Also stating, " The first virtues were identified by the Greek philosophers Aristotle and Plato, who regarded temperance, wisdom, justice, and courage as the four most desirable character traits. After the New Testament was written, these four virtues became known as the cardinal virtues, while faith, hope and charity were referred to as the theological virtues."

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have heard the saying "Patience is a virtue" anywhere from movies to my parents. It seems to have outweighed the other 7 virtues over time, that's for sure. I have decided that it is primarily used by parents or our elders as a way to basically say, "shut up and wait, because I can't do anything about it." I have even let it slip out of my mouth a time or two, being pretty ironic coming from the least patient person EVER!

Today, as I wasn't feeling that hot (I laid in the bed most of the day being super lazy), my children kept asking me when we were going to do something fun this summer. I looked at my daughter like she had completely lost her mind at some of the ideas she brought to the table. She said, "Let's just go to Hawaii for a few weeks." Right... let me get right on that. My son wanted to go to the neighborhood pool, which he mentioned every hour on the hour. Again, I looked at him like he was crazy and didn't even respond. I told them bright and early that I was taking a sick day and to go play with the abundance of junk they have all over the house!

They eventually just pushed me too far and so after dinner, it was off to the getting ready for bed

routine. My son took approximately an hour to get a shower and brush his teeth. He's eleven, therefor he dragged that one out 4 times what it should have taken. My daughter took 15 minutes to pick out her pajamas, 30 minutes in her "relaxing bubble bath", and 45 minutes to dry off and get her pajamas on. I'm still trying to figure out how they managed to argue with each other the majority of this whole process, considering they were using two different bathrooms. It amazes me.

As it is summer, we had already surpassed bedtime by two hours at the point where I was turning red in the face and I'm pretty sure a few new white hairs sprang from my head. I think I said go to bed at least 8 times ( I don't exaggerate this), when my son came to me with a VERY important question. "Did you remember to schedule your doctor appointment last week like you were supposed to?" OMG, Kid, you have got to be freaking kidding me! Are you serious? It's Sunday night, way past your bedtime, and you want to know if I scheduled MY doctor appointment? Seriously? No. Just, no.

I looked at him with one of those "looks" that your grandma gave you right before she bit your head off for breaking something of value... he ran. I've seen this kid run like the wind, but never this fast. He was just GONE. Quiet... finally it was quiet. I was sure they were asleep. I started cleaning up the mess they had made from getting ready for bed when I hear this tiny little whisper from my daughter's doorway, "Patience really is a virtue, Mommy. You are supposed to be patient with me and my brother. It's important." "Oh, really?" I said, "Why is that?"
Barely peeking her head around the doorway at this point she responds, "Because you have to do it again tomorrow."

I had no response. Logically, she was right. I was going to be doing it again the very next day. "Goodnight. Go to bed."

Definition of Patience: noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay