Observing Love from the Sidelines

Why Being Single Isn’t a Deficit — It’s a Vantage Point 

I’ve been single for almost 18 years. I’ve never been married. Yet somehow, friends keep coming to me with relationship questions, heartbreaks, and divorces. I didn’t sign up for this gig- it just… happens. Apparently, sitting quietly on the sidelines gives one a kind of unintended credibility.

Watching others navigate relationships has taught me something important: love is not a single feeling. It’s a system- a balance of different forms that must coexist to endure. In Greek, these forms are agápē, éros, and philia:

• Agápē: unconditional, committed love that persists even when life changes.

• Éros: passionate, desire-driven love that fuels intimacy and connection.

• Philia: friendship, mutual respect, and the enjoyment of shared presence and values.

The strongest relationships integrate all three. Remove one, and the foundation weakens: passion without friendship can burn out; loyalty without desire can feel hollow; friendship without commitment may not survive hardship. Observing relationships over the years, I’ve realized why so many marriages falter. People often don’t fail because they stop caring- they fail because they never achieved that balance.

I remember sitting in a church pew years ago, listening to Pastor Ronnie’s sermon about the different types of love in relation to God. If God is Love- and if Love is patient, kind, truthful, protective, persevering, and never fails, as Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13- then it’s only fair that I have very high standards for any relationship I might enter.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

When I read this passage, I see that it’s not just an aspirational statement- it’s a structural blueprint. Love that endures doesn’t rely on intensity alone, or fleeting attraction, or blind loyalty. It is a careful balance: patient, kind, truthful, protective, persevering. That’s exactly what I look for in relationships, even from the sidelines.

That understanding isn’t just lofty theology or idealistic poetry- it’s a practical lens for observing love in real life. And it’s also why I’m okay being single.

I’ve learned that settling for a relationship that doesn’t meet the full balance of agápē, éros, and philia would be worse than being alone. Sure, being single means I sometimes get the side-eye at family gatherings, and yes, I’ve had people suggest that I “just lower my standards a little” (as if integrity were negotiable). But being single allows me to preserve clarity, observe love without getting swept up in it, and recognize patterns that most people only see in hindsight- usually after a heartbreak or a divorce.

Remaining single isn’t a punishment or a deficit. It’s a vantage point. It’s where I’ve learned that love isn’t measured by who you’re with, how often you date, or how intense the passion feels at the moment. It’s measured by how well love holds together the different layers - desire, friendship, and commitment - without breaking the people involved.

And that’s why friends keep coming to me for advice, even though I never sought the role. It’s not about having all the answers or any special authority. It’s simply that observing love from the sidelines provides clarity that intensity often obscures. Sometimes you don’t have to live every experience to understand it; sometimes, you just need to watch, reflect, and recognize what endures- all while occasionally sipping your coffee and quietly enjoying the fact that you don’t have to share a bathroom with anyone who steals the covers.