3 different single mamas; 3 different stories. We invite you to join us in the triumphs and failures as single mothers! Let’s lift each other up! We would love your feedback, and we encourage you to share your stories.
Many blessings,
A Single Moms Vent


Tuesday, January 28, 2020

I'm Not Perfect!

How do you balance expectations for "social media moms" measure of success with our own well-being? In a recent convo with a friend, she shared how she felt so stuck and insufficient, basically calling herself a loser. She told me how she had the picture-book marriage and home life, which was what she portrayed on Facebook. Those were goals, on top of the career choice she had aimed towards. She realized she had it all... but felt depressed and anxious that even after all of these things came into fruition, she wasn't happy. 

So the question is: Why is she comparing herself to all of the other moms on social media? In what ways has it become a competition and why? As a single mom, I've started to realize that when we focus so narrowly on those few goals, we forget the journey we're on. And my friend is not alone in her battle. I see it everyday! Don't you catch yourself taking multiple pictures before finding just the right one before sharing it with your 500+ friends? Some of us adhere to messages from society that indicates a need to have it all together. On Instagram, Facebook and even Snapchat, people show off their lives in such a way that concludes that they have reached all of their goals. Sounds simple, right? What we forget is that there are so many parts of our friends' lives that they aren't posting. Heaven forbid we run into them in public with no makeup on, sporting yesterday's clothes with breakfast stains.

So how do we approach this in ourselves? Acceptance and Commitment. I challenge you to accept where you are in life right now and understand that we have to let go sometimes so we can focus on what we are experiencing in the present moment. You don't need to share all of these details, because this is just for you, without creating judgement or trying to alter the situation... a change will occur. A shift will happen within yourself.

There's an additional approach: Changing and challenging maladaptive thoughts, cognitive twists and actions by promoting emotional regulation since your are TRYING to target current problems.

My friend's thought that things couldn't turn around, and her life was spiraling into a dark hole... is very relatable. I asked her to show some validity to her statements. Prove them to be true. Find the facts. The fact she found is that she needed to be in therapy.

Therapy is very much available these days, but everyone has an opinion on it! You don't have to hit the floor to get help. You can reach for help as soon as you recognize that you're going to need it! It lets people open up without being judged. You get that much needed validation, simultaneously challenging your beliefs and encouraging you to open up some doors and look and the journey you're on.

Do you want to look like you have the perfect life or do you want to feel fulfilled, where you actually feel your emotions that you've been portraying? Be vulnerable. Ask for help. Life isn't a competition. 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Find Your Tribe!

Sometimes we're so wrapped up in our routines, trying to keep our kids alive and fed, that we forget that we need partners in crime, buddies, a crew, besties, recently known as a TRIBE. 
We have isolated ourselves into the world of lunchboxes, diapers, and Pinterest. Sure, diapers are great to have in a crunch, but do they have your back? No, you know what I mean. You need your girls.
It seems like every movie that comes out in theatres now that has a powerhouse woman in the lead has at least one or two ladies in her tribe. Or maybe a gay white guy... Whatever. I'm getting sidetracked.
We need to start from the basics. What defines a tribe? After looking at the Merriam-Webster definition and skipping over the first couple very ancient definitions that probably needs a major update I came across something they came to similar to a good definition that we can go by. Ergo, a tribe is a group of persons having a common character, occupation, or interest. I'm just going to rest my hand on my forehead for a second while I kind of chuckle to myself. Whew. Ok.
Noooo. Just no. Your tribe is the girls that you might not actually have anything in common with but can call in the middle of the night and they answer that phone! Your tribe might consist of someone you met while grocery shopping, or at the playground, or in the insane moms group on Facebook where everyone likes to cat fight like two year olds. Good news is you might have found your tribe. Of course, you're going to hit your trials and tribulations to rule out the crazies. You're going to have your bumps in the roads like any other relationship. There's going to be ones that just cannot be there all the time because they are about to lose their minds. But there is a TRIBE there.
Now are you thinking to yourself you don't have one yet? That's okay, momma. We've all been there. I see you.
You might need to surprise yourself and get those kids dressed and go to church on Sunday morning. You'd be quite amazed at the funnies that'll turn up at church one Sunday morning just to catch a break from the screaming. 
Don't forget you need to get a little multicultural here. You need to have at least one Latina that can cuss you out in another language and cook you out of the kitchen. You always need someone with an accent you have no idea where they're actually from but you pretend that you do because it would be an insult to their culture if you didn't and you're going to pretend you ate that food that you hid in their napkin.
Don't forget you need one that'll go old school on your ass and remind you of your 5th grade teacher. And of course you need the athletic one because who else is going to make you stop eating all the junk food that you're cramming in your mouth when you feel like crap?
You can find them everywhere! You can literally open your mouth and say I want to be your friend. There is a huge chance that girl needs a friend too!
You can find friends on Instagram... But let's just try to keep them local, okay? Finding them in your very own neighborhood is the best.
Here's the thing about these moms... Some of them might not be single, they might be going through a divorce or, they might have a boyfriend. But you need your tribe because you can not do life alone. Sitting there watching TV and binge watching Netflix is not going to get you anywhere in life. Have fun evenings together where you're cooking and letting the wild children run around having fun. You need them more than they need you sometimes. You each have your own experiences that you can share with one another to help you get through life. It's hard being a single mom, but it's harder being a single mom with no friends. Don't be stupid. If you haven't found your tribe, go find it. They're looking for you, too!