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Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Mom’s Dating Too Soon After Filing for Divorce: What You Need to Know (And When to Pump the Brakes)

Mom’s Dating Too Soon After Filing for Divorce: What You Need to Know (And When to Pump the Brakes)

Let’s face it: divorce is messy, emotional, and—let’s be real—exhausting. As a mom navigating the new world of post-divorce life, you might find yourself thinking, “I’m ready to start dating again! I deserve a little fun!” But then, the questions flood in: When is it too soon? Is it okay to introduce Mr. New Guy to the kids? And if I start swiping right, will my ex think I’m doing a terrible job as a parent? Let’s unpack these questions with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of reality. 


When Is Too Soon to Start Dating After Filing for Divorce?

If you’re asking yourself, “When is it okay to start dating again?” the answer is: well, it depends. If you’ve just filed for divorce and are still fighting over who gets the couch, you might want to pump the brakes. Not because you can’t be ready for a relationship, but because getting into a new one while you’re still sorting out the emotional wreckage can sometimes be like trying to put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. It’s too soon, and your emotional strings are still a bit tangled.

Don’t get me wrong—dating after divorce can be fun, but it’s important to give yourself the time you need to heal. Think of it like buying new shoes: You wouldn’t get new sneakers if you still have a blister on your heel. So, take your time, enjoy the single life, and let yourself heal before rushing into something new.

Is It Okay to Introduce a New Partner to Your Kids?

Ah, the million-dollar question. Should you introduce your kids to Mr. New Guy, or is it better to keep your love life in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” category for a while longer?

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but most experts (and probably your kids) will tell you that timing is everything. Introducing a new partner too soon could be like giving your child a new puppy before they’ve fully recovered from the old one running away (yikes). Kids need time to adjust, and introducing a new person into the mix might feel confusing or overwhelming, especially if they’re still processing the changes from the divorce.

A good rule of thumb? Wait until you’re in a committed relationship, and not just having fun on weekends. You’ll want to make sure you and your partner are in it for the long haul—and that your kids are ready to meet them. Consider this: If your new boyfriend doesn’t know the difference between a bedtime story and a horror movie, he might not be quite ready to meet your kids.

The Perks of Dating After Divorce (Yes, There Are Some!)

Okay, let’s talk about the perks of getting back out there. Because, yes, there are some silver linings to the post-divorce dating world. And it’s not all about feeling “wanted” again, though that’s nice too.

  1. Confidence Boost: Let’s face it: Divorce can feel like a blow to the ego. Dating again helps you rediscover that sparkle that had been dimmed by, well, “married life.” Dating gives you a reason to get dressed up, even if it’s just for a date with your couch and Netflix.

  2. Emotional Support: Everyone needs a little TLC, especially after a divorce. Dating can provide the emotional support you might have missed out on during the separation. And no, I’m not talking about needing someone to help you assemble IKEA furniture. I’m talking about someone who listens to your rants and makes you laugh when you need it most.

  3. Role Model for Your Kids: Believe it or not, you’re teaching your kids about relationships—healthy and unhealthy ones. Being in a positive relationship can show them that love doesn’t have to be scary, and that it’s okay to move on after a tough chapter in life.

  4. Rediscovery of Fun: Remember fun? (It's that thing you used to have before the dishes, laundry, and endless "parenting moments" took over your life.) Dating again can remind you of how enjoyable life can be, especially when you get to not talk about your ex over dinner.

Would Dating Too Soon Be Frowned Upon in Court?

As much as we’d like to think that the judge has a "no new boyfriends before the ink dries" rule, dating too soon typically won’t affect your custody arrangements—unless it does. For instance, if your new beau is, say, a professional clown (and not in the "funny ha-ha" way), it might be a bit concerning to a judge. But as long as your dating life isn’t disrupting your parenting responsibilities, it’s unlikely to raise any eyebrows in court.

That said, if your ex feels like your dating is messing with the kids or causing unnecessary drama, they could potentially bring it up during custody hearings. So, if your ex is constantly sending you “concerned” texts about your new relationship, it’s important to keep things low-key until you’re sure the kids are emotionally ready.

Will Your Ex Hold It Against You With the Kids?

Ah, the ex. We all love to hate them, especially when they start making unsolicited comments about your love life. Will your ex hold your dating against you? The short answer: possibly, especially if they’re still stuck in the past. Some exes will try to weaponize your dating life to make themselves feel better or create more drama. But here's the thing: You can’t control what your ex does or says. All you can do is keep your kids’ best interests at heart and show that your dating life isn’t interfering with your ability to parent.

It’s crucial to maintain a respectful and calm demeanor, especially if your ex is having a hard time with the idea of you dating. Kids can pick up on tension, and they don’t need that added stress. Keep things as peaceful as possible for their sake, and remember—your love life is yours to manage.

Final Thoughts

Dating after divorce isn’t a race. It’s a journey. If you’re ready to put yourself out there, go for it—but remember to take it slow and consider the emotional impact on your kids, your ex, and yourself. Dating too soon can feel like jumping into a pool without checking the water temperature, but when you’re ready, it can also be one of the most rewarding experiences of your post-divorce life.

So, whether you're laughing over bad dates or finding someone who makes you feel like the queen you are, remember: You deserve to move on at your own pace, and it’s okay to take your time before introducing someone new to your kids.


Tuesday, January 28, 2020

I'm Not Perfect!

How do you balance expectations for "social media moms" measure of success with our own well-being? In a recent convo with a friend, she shared how she felt so stuck and insufficient, basically calling herself a loser. She told me how she had the picture-book marriage and home life, which was what she portrayed on Facebook. Those were goals, on top of the career choice she had aimed towards. She realized she had it all... but felt depressed and anxious that even after all of these things came into fruition, she wasn't happy. 

So the question is: Why is she comparing herself to all of the other moms on social media? In what ways has it become a competition and why? As a single mom, I've started to realize that when we focus so narrowly on those few goals, we forget the journey we're on. And my friend is not alone in her battle. I see it everyday! Don't you catch yourself taking multiple pictures before finding just the right one before sharing it with your 500+ friends? Some of us adhere to messages from society that indicates a need to have it all together. On Instagram, Facebook and even Snapchat, people show off their lives in such a way that concludes that they have reached all of their goals. Sounds simple, right? What we forget is that there are so many parts of our friends' lives that they aren't posting. Heaven forbid we run into them in public with no makeup on, sporting yesterday's clothes with breakfast stains.

So how do we approach this in ourselves? Acceptance and Commitment. I challenge you to accept where you are in life right now and understand that we have to let go sometimes so we can focus on what we are experiencing in the present moment. You don't need to share all of these details, because this is just for you, without creating judgement or trying to alter the situation... a change will occur. A shift will happen within yourself.

There's an additional approach: Changing and challenging maladaptive thoughts, cognitive twists and actions by promoting emotional regulation since your are TRYING to target current problems.

My friend's thought that things couldn't turn around, and her life was spiraling into a dark hole... is very relatable. I asked her to show some validity to her statements. Prove them to be true. Find the facts. The fact she found is that she needed to be in therapy.

Therapy is very much available these days, but everyone has an opinion on it! You don't have to hit the floor to get help. You can reach for help as soon as you recognize that you're going to need it! It lets people open up without being judged. You get that much needed validation, simultaneously challenging your beliefs and encouraging you to open up some doors and look and the journey you're on.

Do you want to look like you have the perfect life or do you want to feel fulfilled, where you actually feel your emotions that you've been portraying? Be vulnerable. Ask for help. Life isn't a competition. 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.