When Does The Assault Stop Assaulting You?

 Overcoming the Mental Obstacles After Domestic Violence: A Path to Healing for Single Moms

Being a single mom is tough. There’s no doubt about it. Between balancing work, school runs, and the endless cycle of laundry, dishes, and “Mom, I can’t find my other shoe!”—it can feel like a never-ending challenge. But for moms who have survived domestic violence, the road ahead comes with additional emotional and psychological hurdles. The trauma doesn’t just go away because you’ve left the situation. It lingers, quietly (or not-so-quietly) showing up in every part of life, from motherhood and dating to sleep, self-worth, and everything in between.

In this blogpost, we’re going to take a compassionate, real-talk look at how domestic violence can interfere with your everyday life—and offer some hope, kindness, and humor along the way. Because while the path to healing might feel rocky, it is absolutely possible to regain a sense of peace, balance, and joy, one small step at a time.

How Domestic Violence Interferes with Motherhood

Motherhood is already hard enough without throwing in the emotional baggage of surviving domestic violence. But guess what? You’re not alone, and there are ways to make it through.

1. Trust Issues (And Not Just With Your Kids’ Other Parent): After being in an abusive relationship, trust can be a major roadblock. You might find it hard to trust others—your kids’ other parent, new people in your life, or even your own ability to make safe decisions. It’s completely normal to feel a little paranoid or overly protective. But take a deep breath. Trust can be rebuilt, slowly. Start small, with tiny steps, and give yourself credit for each one.

2. Motherhood Fatigue (The Emotional Kind): You’ve survived something no one should ever have to experience, and the emotional toll can feel like running a marathon in flip-flops. Mental exhaustion can make it hard to show up as the mom you want to be. Sometimes you might find yourself zoning out, feeling numb, or overwhelmed by the endless demands. Be kind to yourself—you're doing your best, and that’s enough.

3. The Guilt Monster: You might sometimes feel like you failed your kids by staying in the abusive situation for as long as you did, or that you’re not doing enough to protect them from future hurt. But here’s the truth: you did what you had to do to survive. Now, as a survivor, you are showing them resilience, strength, and the power of starting over. The guilt has no place in your life anymore—let it go, mama.

How Domestic Violence Affects Dating (And Why You Might Want to Hold Off on Dating for a Bit)

Ah, dating. It’s complicated enough without the emotional fallout of an abusive relationship. But if you’ve been through domestic violence, you might find yourself feeling hesitant, unsure, or downright scared of the idea of dating again.

1. Fear of Repeating the Past: It’s a very real worry. You might wonder, "What if I get involved with someone who’s just like my ex?" That fear is valid, but it’s important to remember that healing means trusting your instincts again. With time and therapy, you can learn to spot the red flags and recognize when something isn’t right. But don’t rush—take it slow, and give yourself the time and space to heal before jumping into anything new.

2. Emotional Unavailability: You’ve been through a lot. And after such trauma, it’s okay to feel emotionally unavailable, even if you're longing for connection. But here’s the good news: that feeling doesn’t have to last forever. In fact, a break from dating can give you the space to focus on yourself, your kids, and rebuilding your confidence. When you’re ready, you'll be better equipped to form a healthy, balanced relationship—not just with someone else, but with yourself.

3. Fear of Judgment (No One’s Perfect, but You’re a Survivor): You might worry that someone will judge you for being in an abusive relationship in the first place. Spoiler alert: the right person will admire your strength. Anyone who doesn't understand the complexities of your journey isn’t worth your time. So take your time and trust that the people who matter will support you and respect your past.

How Domestic Violence Affects Sleep (Because, Seriously, Who Can Sleep Through This Stuff?)

If you’ve survived domestic violence, then you know it can mess with your sleep in a major way. But the thing is, you’re not crazy. Trauma can have serious physical effects, including sleepless nights that feel like they’ll never end.

1. Nightmares and Flashbacks (Thanks, Trauma): The memories of what you went through can sometimes resurface in the form of nightmares or intrusive thoughts. It’s like your brain can’t switch off, even when your body is begging for rest. If you’ve ever woken up in a cold sweat at 3 a.m., staring at the ceiling and wondering when it’ll end, you’re not alone. But with time, therapy, and coping strategies, you can regain control over your sleep patterns.

2. Hypervigilance (Your Brain Just Won’t Let Go): For many survivors, the feeling of being constantly “on guard” doesn’t disappear the moment you leave the abusive relationship. You might have a hard time feeling safe at night—always listening for noises or feeling like something is about to go wrong. This is a form of PTSD, and it takes time to unwind. But here's the thing: you're strong, and your body can learn to relax again with the right support.

3. Hormonal Rollercoaster: Chronic stress can mess with your body’s chemistry, leading to insomnia or restless sleep. The good news is that once you begin to address the trauma and start practicing self-care, your body can find its balance again. And yes, that does mean getting a full night’s sleep eventually (hallelujah).

When Do You Start Feeling "Normal" Again?

Let’s be honest: “normal” feels like a distant dream sometimes. But here’s the thing: recovery isn’t about getting back to a perfect version of your old self. It’s about creating a new version of yourself—one that’s wiser, stronger, and more resilient than before.

1. Healing Takes Time (Like, a Lot of Time): Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking you’ll be “normal” after a quick weekend retreat or a few weeks of therapy. Healing takes time. You might feel like the trauma never stops following you, but little by little, it will lose its power. You will laugh again, feel joy again, and rediscover parts of yourself that you thought were lost forever.

2. Can a Fresh Start Be a Mental Fresh Start?: A new city, a new job, or a change in your surroundings can help create a sense of physical renewal. But here’s the secret: the real fresh start comes when you start healing mentally and emotionally. Therapy, support groups, self-love, and understanding your journey will help you rebuild the foundation of who you are. And when you do that, you might just find that “normal” starts to feel more like a distant memory—one that doesn’t have the same power over you anymore.

3. When Does the Assault Stop Assaulting You?: This is the tough question. It’s the one that lingers, doesn’t it? "When does the assault stop assaulting you?" The truth is, it stops when you take back your power, reclaim your peace, and redefine what life looks like without the shadow of your past looming over you. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means living fully, even with the scars.

My Final Thoughts: You’ve Got This (And So Much More)

So, here’s the good news: the road to healing is long, but it’s also full of hope, laughter, and unexpected moments of joy. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with time, support, and a little bit of humor (because let’s face it—life is too short to take too seriously), you will get there.

Remember, it’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to feel lost sometimes. You’re allowed to take time to rebuild. But most importantly, you are already doing the hardest part—surviving. And that, my dear, is something to be incredibly proud of.

You’ve got this. And there’s so much more waiting for you on the other side. 💪💖

Surviving the Chaos: A Single Mom's Journey Through Health, Heartache, and Hope

 

Surviving the Chaos: A Single Mom's Journey Through Health, Heartache, and Hope

Being a single mom is brutal. Throw in a few health conditions, a dash of mental health challenges in your kids, and a sprinkle of “when will this all end?” and you’ve got my life. But somehow, here I am—three-time brain tumor survivor, Auto-immune warrior, and managing a household with two older kids who’ve seen their share of struggles too.

It’s not the life I expected, but it’s the life I’ve got. And if I’m being totally honest, sometimes it feels like I’m starring in my own reality show, with the subtitle “How to Survive Parenting While Battling a Dozen Chronic Illnesses.” Spoiler alert: It’s not a glamorous show, but it’s mine, and I
’m still here to tell the story.

The Health Struggles: A Never-Ending Rollercoaster

Let’s talk about health for a moment—because, as you can imagine, it plays a huge role in my day-to-day. I’ve survived three brain tumors, battled through SLE lupus, fibromyalgia, essential tremors, ankylosing spondylitis, and rheumatoid arthritis. And I won’t even go into how many medications I juggle, because let's be honest, it’s probably a list long enough to fill a grocery cart.

When you're navigating your own health battles, the last thing you want to do is let your kids down. But here's the thing: Sometimes you do. Sometimes, the pain, the exhaustion, and the constant medical appointments feel like too much. And while I wish I could be the superhero mom who never runs out of energy or patience, the truth is, I don’t always have it in me. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying.

The Parenting Challenge: Navigating Mental Health and Raising Teens

Now, let’s add two older kids into the mix. I’ve got a 16-year-old and a 21-year-old, both of whom have their own mental health challenges. For years, I’ve tried to be the mom who has it all together. The one who provides both emotional and physical support while holding down the fort. But, let me tell you, sometimes it feels like I’m holding on by a thread.

There are days when I can barely keep my eyes open, but my kids still need me. They need emotional support, guidance, and sometimes even a ride to their own doctor’s office (and if you’re a mom, you know that therapists and appointments aren’t exactly around the corner). The guilt can be overwhelming when I’m dealing with my own struggles and can’t always give them the support they deserve. But here’s what I’ve learned: I’m doing the best I can, and that’s enough. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

The Balancing Act: A Circus Without a Net

Honestly, some days it feels like I’m in the circus. I’m juggling multiple health conditions, appointments, kids’ emotional needs, schoolwork, housework, and let’s not forget the random crises that seem to pop up at the most inconvenient times. I’ve gotten pretty good at pretending that I’ve got everything under control, but in reality, I often feel like a duck—calm on the surface and paddling furiously underneath.

But in the midst of it all, I’ve learned to embrace the chaos. Because really, what other choice do I have? So, I make jokes when I can. I laugh when things get absurd (because trust me, they get absurd), and I hold onto the small moments of joy. Those are the moments that keep me going.

Finding Strength in the Madness

The truth is, I don’t always feel strong. There are days when I question how much more I can take. But every time I think I’ve reached my breaking point, something happens. Maybe my kids show me a little bit of grace, or I manage to get out of bed and make it through the day. Sometimes, it’s just one small victory—like getting through a doctor’s appointment without breaking down—that reminds me I’m still standing.

It’s not easy, and it’s not pretty. But I’ve learned that strength doesn’t always look like you think it should. Sometimes, strength is simply showing up. Even when you’re tired, even when you’re scared, even when you don’t have the answers.

A Message of Hope

To all the single moms out there—especially those of us dealing with health challenges and kids who need extra care—know this: You are not alone. I get it. The exhaustion, the guilt, the fear—it’s real. But so is your strength. So is your love. So is your ability to keep going, even when everything around you feels like it’s falling apart.

So, here’s my advice (and trust me, I’m still figuring it out too): Take it one day at a time. Don’t be afraid to laugh when you can, cry when you need to, and ask for help when you’ve reached your limit. You don’t have to do it all on your own, and it’s okay to not have it all figured out.

If you’re looking for inspiration, look no further than yourself. Because you’re already a warrior.

I'm Not Perfect!

How do you balance expectations for "social media moms" measure of success with our own well-being? In a recent convo with a friend, she shared how she felt so stuck and insufficient, basically calling herself a loser. She told me how she had the picture-book marriage and home life, which was what she portrayed on Facebook. Those were goals, on top of the career choice she had aimed towards. She realized she had it all... but felt depressed and anxious that even after all of these things came into fruition, she wasn't happy. 

So the question is: Why is she comparing herself to all of the other moms on social media? In what ways has it become a competition and why? As a single mom, I've started to realize that when we focus so narrowly on those few goals, we forget the journey we're on. And my friend is not alone in her battle. I see it everyday! Don't you catch yourself taking multiple pictures before finding just the right one before sharing it with your 500+ friends? Some of us adhere to messages from society that indicates a need to have it all together. On Instagram, Facebook and even Snapchat, people show off their lives in such a way that concludes that they have reached all of their goals. Sounds simple, right? What we forget is that there are so many parts of our friends' lives that they aren't posting. Heaven forbid we run into them in public with no makeup on, sporting yesterday's clothes with breakfast stains.

So how do we approach this in ourselves? Acceptance and Commitment. I challenge you to accept where you are in life right now and understand that we have to let go sometimes so we can focus on what we are experiencing in the present moment. You don't need to share all of these details, because this is just for you, without creating judgement or trying to alter the situation... a change will occur. A shift will happen within yourself.

There's an additional approach: Changing and challenging maladaptive thoughts, cognitive twists and actions by promoting emotional regulation since your are TRYING to target current problems.

My friend's thought that things couldn't turn around, and her life was spiraling into a dark hole... is very relatable. I asked her to show some validity to her statements. Prove them to be true. Find the facts. The fact she found is that she needed to be in therapy.

Therapy is very much available these days, but everyone has an opinion on it! You don't have to hit the floor to get help. You can reach for help as soon as you recognize that you're going to need it! It lets people open up without being judged. You get that much needed validation, simultaneously challenging your beliefs and encouraging you to open up some doors and look and the journey you're on.

Do you want to look like you have the perfect life or do you want to feel fulfilled, where you actually feel your emotions that you've been portraying? Be vulnerable. Ask for help. Life isn't a competition. 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.