I'm Not Perfect!

How do you balance expectations for "social media moms" measure of success with our own well-being? In a recent convo with a friend, she shared how she felt so stuck and insufficient, basically calling herself a loser. She told me how she had the picture-book marriage and home life, which was what she portrayed on Facebook. Those were goals, on top of the career choice she had aimed towards. She realized she had it all... but felt depressed and anxious that even after all of these things came into fruition, she wasn't happy. 

So the question is: Why is she comparing herself to all of the other moms on social media? In what ways has it become a competition and why? As a single mom, I've started to realize that when we focus so narrowly on those few goals, we forget the journey we're on. And my friend is not alone in her battle. I see it everyday! Don't you catch yourself taking multiple pictures before finding just the right one before sharing it with your 500+ friends? Some of us adhere to messages from society that indicates a need to have it all together. On Instagram, Facebook and even Snapchat, people show off their lives in such a way that concludes that they have reached all of their goals. Sounds simple, right? What we forget is that there are so many parts of our friends' lives that they aren't posting. Heaven forbid we run into them in public with no makeup on, sporting yesterday's clothes with breakfast stains.

So how do we approach this in ourselves? Acceptance and Commitment. I challenge you to accept where you are in life right now and understand that we have to let go sometimes so we can focus on what we are experiencing in the present moment. You don't need to share all of these details, because this is just for you, without creating judgement or trying to alter the situation... a change will occur. A shift will happen within yourself.

There's an additional approach: Changing and challenging maladaptive thoughts, cognitive twists and actions by promoting emotional regulation since your are TRYING to target current problems.

My friend's thought that things couldn't turn around, and her life was spiraling into a dark hole... is very relatable. I asked her to show some validity to her statements. Prove them to be true. Find the facts. The fact she found is that she needed to be in therapy.

Therapy is very much available these days, but everyone has an opinion on it! You don't have to hit the floor to get help. You can reach for help as soon as you recognize that you're going to need it! It lets people open up without being judged. You get that much needed validation, simultaneously challenging your beliefs and encouraging you to open up some doors and look and the journey you're on.

Do you want to look like you have the perfect life or do you want to feel fulfilled, where you actually feel your emotions that you've been portraying? Be vulnerable. Ask for help. Life isn't a competition. 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

A Single Mom's Emergency Car Kit

        Not every mom, or woman for that matter can depend on someone else to come to their rescue with a quick phone call when they have a flat tire or are having car trouble. It can be a scary situation to be in, especially with kids in the car. 

Speaking from experience, I thought I'd share with you what I make sure I keep in my vehicle so I'm prepared for a sticky situation. These come in handy, especially on a road trip!

• First aid kit (super cheap to find at Wal-Mart or Target)
• Flashlight (You kind find these everywhere, but frequently check battery)
• Flares or orange cones (You need to be VISIBLE)
• Spare tire (We'll go over how to change that!)
• Can of Fix-a-Flat: If you’re losing air or forgot to keep your spare filled, this will get you to the next gas station. I got a small compressor that you can keep in the car instead.
• Jumper cables (My compressor doubles as a battery charger!)
• Pepper spray & a window/glass breaker: Don't want to get stuck... with a crazy person or in flood water
• 550 Cable: This cable can be used for anything - tying your bumper back on, your hood back down, used to tie off an emergency medical situation, the list goes on...
• Collapsible gas can: We are horrible at stopping to get gas, so try to keep your gas gauge over 1/4 of a tank! 
• Water (drinkable is great but you might need it to put in your coolant tank, so make sure you have extra)
• Small fire extinguisher: I know this sounds odd, but sometimes electrical fires just happen! Be prepared for anything.
• Car phone charger - let's face it... I always let my phone die!

Remember, if you get in a wreck, turn the car off immediately. Sparks flying can cause a major problem!! I hope this has been helpful, and make sure you're prepared for those holiday trips coming up, even if it's across town.

Now let's show you how to change that flat tire...

I Could Have Died But I Didn't #2

So everyone has the one time in their life that they think "Geez, I really could have died." Well I could have died pulling walking to the mailbox and tripping over my own feet and cracking my head open but that never happened. I'm just saying, everyone gets at least one of those oddball stories.
Y'all, I have tons. Most of them are from driving in Houston, because let's face it... the driving lessons must have slipped their minds before getting behind that wheel.
My number one was my most recent surgery back in February of 2017. Now if you read my first ever post, this would be my second tumor removed out of my head. I think I've got this surgery thing down by now. You see a ton of doctors and get lots of MRIs and tests and blood work, and ohhh the paperwork. I sign my name so fast it doesn't look like a name. It doesn't resemble a letter. 
Okay. Back to the point. So this tumor is right next to my pituitary gland and optical nerves and major arteries... here. You can watch a video.

Gross right? So mine was bigger and more complicated because they had to go in the same hole they drilled through the last time and they weren't 100% sure I'd make it out at my 100%. I'm pretty stubborn and my kids need me so I did. So here's the skinny, I was in recovery and my son came in just to see me. I was not letting him see me like that. So what did I do? Selfie!

Yes. Against everyone telling me to lay down and I was too drugged out to even be awake, I set up and showed my son that I was okay. That's what moms do.
So my little anxiety ridden son left that day with a lot less stress about me and more stress about going home without me.
So, after my fair share of torture in the neuro ICU (just kidding, Houston Methodist is amazing) I'd had my fill of hearing the crying and the smells of God knows what I was smelling cause it was NOT coming from me. They checked to see if I could stand up, and I did. They just stared at me like I was a freak of nature. I was like, cool. Can I go home now? No such luck. They don't let you leave a day after brain surgery. BUT I can can talk them into three. I was in my own room, walking myself to the restroom, moving around like an old lady... slightly nauseated. I had to get out of there. My kids needed me. So day THREE: I was outta there. Bruised. Alive.

And... I still don't follow the rules.

I know there are the DUH rules about being a mom. There's the bedtime rule, the feed your kid rule, and of course the potty train your kid before they get into school rule. 
Let me tell you something. I am not spending one more minute hovering over my kid's sink trying to shove their toothbrush into the right spot just to get spat on. 
I am taking my kids to the dentist every six months like I'm supposed to. I tell them to go brush their teeth like I'm supposed to. For the love of all that is holy! My son is 14! So yes, I took his whiny butt to the dentist today to get a few fillings. Yes, the dentist glared at me and was trying to talk to ME about oral hygiene like a freaking 5 year old. Kid, I'm older than you and I was learning how to brush my teeth when your parents were in middle school. Don't talk to me about how to brush teeth.

 So check this out: I sat in the corner of the room watching my son get his fillings and I was just commenting on how it didn't hurt, it was just the cold water. He's never going to get a girlfriend with nasty teeth and bad breath. 
The assistant literally turned around and asked what my problem was. 
MY PROBLEM? Heffa! The kid won't brush his teeth and I'm sitting in a chair while your boss is drilling holes in his permanent teeth. Are you paying for it? No? Shut it.
Yes, I was the ultimate bitch today. I have to use that word because there is not one single word that could possibly describe what was going through my head.
How did I end up with a daughter that is going to need major orthodontic work, yet brushes and flosses and even uses mouthwash like she's supposed to, yet her big brother can't seem to brush his teeth?
I quit. I'm done. Not even two hours later he had managed to hunt down one of those push-pop suckers that moms fear at the check out lines at grocery stores. BLUE TEETH y'all. They were blue. Like I wouldn't notice? COME. ON.
So, I'm gonna feed him. I'm gonna provide for him what I'm supposed to. But if one more person tells me I need to brush his teeth for him... middle finger right up in their face, cause it ain't happening. Nope. I am done. Forget the rules. 

Sleep Deprived Mom

I can't even tell you how many articles and blog posts I've read about how to utilize your time as a mom so you can get enough sleep. I've decided it's all crap. Once you first hold that kid in your arms, it's over.
Babies of course have the worst schedules, so you're up every few hours for feedings and random noises that wake you up. For those of you that have had a baby with health issues, such as colic (Colic is a condition where there are repeated bouts of excessive crying in a baby who is otherwise healthy. The definition doctors use is: a baby crying for more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week, for at least one week.), know that it's very possible to lose your sanity without a few hours of sleep.

Toddlers... why do their brains work so hard at night?! I mean, really? Night terrors gave ME night terrors. The minute you hear that blood curdling scream it's like you're on adrenaline overload. First you are running to the child that isn't even awake enough to tell you what's wrong with them. Then you are trying to calm the screaming down any way that could possibly work (all the while realizing that you really need to pee).
Moms, it doesn't stop there. You will never nap again. There is always going to be something. A child getting into trouble while you close your eyes for a few minutes is the least of your concerns.
I have a sleepwalker/sleep-talker and and a 2 am potty break queen that doesn't get up. She just starts crying until I escort her sleeping self to the bathroom. That's just me, and I thank God that I'm a light sleeper after catching my son walking out the front door at 1 am.
And then comes the hormonal preteen. They stay up late, over thinking things and start taking naps at odd hours all over again, so they think it's perfectly normal to wake you up to ask you a random question about why they need new clothes after you've been asleep for 30 minutes.
Teenagers... looking back and remembering that I used to be one, I've decided I'm never going to sleep again. Teens are getting so creative these days as far as getting out at night and getting in to some sort of trouble whether we know it or not. Remember those jerks that almost smashed your car and you couldn't help but want to choke them and wonder who let them pass drivers ed? Yeah, that's going to be your kid. I literally have no advice. I think about all of the things I remember doing as a teen, the insane things my classmates did, and the horrifying things I hear the "good kids" are doing... I find myself researching boarding schools and high-tech home security systems, right along with animal-type tracking implants with heart monitors and stuff that hasn't been invented yet.
I've reached the point that I can no longer contemplate my children going off to college so I'll end on this note: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Beat the Summer Blues

Because I had the genius idea of having my office right across the hall from my kids' rooms, I'm not getting ANYTHING done during the day! I don't know why I bother walking in there. I walk towards the door and I have a shadow asking, "Mommy, what are you doing? You aren't going to work, are you?"
Of course not. Why would I ever want to do that? - I need a break from my kids.

I started an early morning walking group with some other moms in my neighborhood. I need the exercise, don't get me wrong, but it's mostly the only time I have with other adults, even if it is for only 45 minutes at the crack of dawn.

Earlier this summer, I brought up the topic of having fun kid activities lined up for this summer on the neighborhood website. I had all sorts of feedback! You wouldn't believe all of the awesome ideas these folks were forking out.

Just in case you want the list:

Sell lemonade AND wash bikes for a buck.
Giant bubble recipe & directions http://tatertotsandjello.com/2010/08/sum...
Make ice cream in baggies http://www.growingajeweledrose.com/2013/...
For TWEENS 40 card games & Minute to Win It games + many more http://childhood101.com/2014/07/23-activ...
GIRLS Make up party, Mall make up, make jewelry, sew a pillow, Make a name sign with photographs of friends posing letters
FAIRY HOUSES http://www.houseofhawthornes.com/were-ba...
BOYS: play real marbles, origami, paper airplanes, foil boats - which one holds the most cargo. Fastest Lego car, cook:https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q...
Scavenger Hunt change themes.. by colors, 1 of anything 2 of something 3... something for each letter in SUMMER...
Science Experiments http://www.growingajeweledrose.com/2013/...
20 fun ways to use a pool noodle http://www.babble.com/home/20-clever-way...
INDOOR ACTIVITIES photos & directions:http://blissfullydomestic.com/life-bliss...

Let me tell you how excited I was.... I ALMOST had the ambition to do cartwheels in the backyard. I couldn't wait for the super-mommies in the neighborhood to get things rolling! The very next day I was receiving inquiries on when I was going to set up these activities. Crap. Me? No. Not happening. So, now you have an awesome list of ideas for your kids to fill up their summertime with their little friends. I'm going to keep working on finding a sucker to take up the job here in my hood. Wish me luck.

Patience is a Virtue

According to Wikipedia, "Patience is a virtue is a proverbial phrase referring to one of the seven heavenly virtues typically said to date back to "Psychomachia," an epic poem written in the fifth century." Also stating, " The first virtues were identified by the Greek philosophers Aristotle and Plato, who regarded temperance, wisdom, justice, and courage as the four most desirable character traits. After the New Testament was written, these four virtues became known as the cardinal virtues, while faith, hope and charity were referred to as the theological virtues."

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have heard the saying "Patience is a virtue" anywhere from movies to my parents. It seems to have outweighed the other 7 virtues over time, that's for sure. I have decided that it is primarily used by parents or our elders as a way to basically say, "shut up and wait, because I can't do anything about it." I have even let it slip out of my mouth a time or two, being pretty ironic coming from the least patient person EVER!

Today, as I wasn't feeling that hot (I laid in the bed most of the day being super lazy), my children kept asking me when we were going to do something fun this summer. I looked at my daughter like she had completely lost her mind at some of the ideas she brought to the table. She said, "Let's just go to Hawaii for a few weeks." Right... let me get right on that. My son wanted to go to the neighborhood pool, which he mentioned every hour on the hour. Again, I looked at him like he was crazy and didn't even respond. I told them bright and early that I was taking a sick day and to go play with the abundance of junk they have all over the house!

They eventually just pushed me too far and so after dinner, it was off to the getting ready for bed

routine. My son took approximately an hour to get a shower and brush his teeth. He's eleven, therefor he dragged that one out 4 times what it should have taken. My daughter took 15 minutes to pick out her pajamas, 30 minutes in her "relaxing bubble bath", and 45 minutes to dry off and get her pajamas on. I'm still trying to figure out how they managed to argue with each other the majority of this whole process, considering they were using two different bathrooms. It amazes me.

As it is summer, we had already surpassed bedtime by two hours at the point where I was turning red in the face and I'm pretty sure a few new white hairs sprang from my head. I think I said go to bed at least 8 times ( I don't exaggerate this), when my son came to me with a VERY important question. "Did you remember to schedule your doctor appointment last week like you were supposed to?" OMG, Kid, you have got to be freaking kidding me! Are you serious? It's Sunday night, way past your bedtime, and you want to know if I scheduled MY doctor appointment? Seriously? No. Just, no.

I looked at him with one of those "looks" that your grandma gave you right before she bit your head off for breaking something of value... he ran. I've seen this kid run like the wind, but never this fast. He was just GONE. Quiet... finally it was quiet. I was sure they were asleep. I started cleaning up the mess they had made from getting ready for bed when I hear this tiny little whisper from my daughter's doorway, "Patience really is a virtue, Mommy. You are supposed to be patient with me and my brother. It's important." "Oh, really?" I said, "Why is that?"
Barely peeking her head around the doorway at this point she responds, "Because you have to do it again tomorrow."

I had no response. Logically, she was right. I was going to be doing it again the very next day. "Goodnight. Go to bed."

Definition of Patience: noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

Words we shouldn't use

I'm having one of those moments when I just want to shout "SHUT UP!" at the top of my lungs because (only God knows why) my children that are five years apart need to fight with each other like they're about to jump into a boxing ring. "Those be fightin' words" comes to mind when I look into my daughters eyes as she's glaring into my son's. Pure rage.
How we handle ourselves in these situations is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I've had to break up a fight and run for my room... just to get a grip on my own temper! Is it just me, or do kids have this sense of when you're about to crack and then slam down the hammer with another bout of screaming?
I have seen so many different forms of parenting. One of my sisters is a teacher, for heaven's sake! But I don't believe in time out, because no child is ever going to sit there and think about what they did wrong. Time out is for parents that are about to blow their top and the safest place for said child is sitting down somewhere quietly... away from the twitching hand. I'll admit it. I'm a yeller. That's when they know they can still have a little room to get away with whatever they're doing. The minute I stop yelling, they know they've pushed me too far.

I am all for the revoking of privileges and electronics (or whatever is most important to them at the time), so I am currently threatening their summer swimming time. I know what you're thinking. What single mom has time for that? Considering the fact that most of my work is done at home in my own timing, my kids are with me ALL summer. No dads on the weekends, no friends that live nearby to dump them on, no summer camps (cause those suckers cost some serious $), and in my situation... Nana isn't happening. I get to keep my unhappy little campers right here at home! There was one rule that did stick as school let out for the year, though. "If you say you're bored, I'll give you something to do." Twelve days in, and I have the house somewhat cleaner than it normally is, my electric bill will be lower (thank you paperback books), and I am no longer in charge of making lunches. Go me!
So, I'm sitting here gritting my teeth so I don't yell "SHUT UP" and thinking of other words that I'd prefer to say but won't. Here's my question for you:

• How do you personally control your temper when your child is out of control?

My long story... shorter.

Go ahead. Take a look back at your early twenties when you could go out with friends, stay up all night, go on a midnight run to the grocery store for ice cream… ahhh, wasn’t that nice? I didn’t have that. I was one of those girls that got pregnant at 19 years old. I remember all of the comments from friends and family regarding my options. As a hot political topic, I’m not going there. I’ll just tell you that I was a mom by 20 years old. I went through pregnancy like a “champ” meaning- I was throwing up the entire time. My son came into this world swinging. He was so tiny, jaundice and other things kept him in the ICU for 2 weeks. I sat there by his side alone, with few visitors to check on us. He came home with what some moms know as “cholic” and I only know as the end of sleep as I knew it. I thought I was going to completely lose my mind. I called a “mommy” neighbor at one point just begging her to get him to stop crying. His father went POOF!

Let’s walk a few years down the road, a few random jobs later, and WOW! Meet my new dream-come-true. What a perfect guy! He’ll be a great father to my son. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “Oops, I did it again” in my head those first few months of hanging my head over the toilet or nearest trash can. Don’t get me wrong, this guy really tried. But let’s be honest, not many guys in their early twenties want a ready-made family.

I packed what I could fit in my car, and drove 5 states over to my mom. I needed help. She was the one that took me to the hospital when I went into labor a month early. She was the one that carried my sleeping son out of the delivery room as I brought my sweet little girl into the world. My daughter is the fighter in this family. She wasn’t even 5 lbs when I brought her home. Just to brag, I drove myself home from the hospital and picked up my son from school on the way.

From then on, I truly recognized that I was a single mom of two children. I had to get my act together! My mom helped when she could, but I was back to finding my career as soon as my daughter was old enough for child care. So I did. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to bursting at the seams with creativity. I had a house, a career, a car with a nice crack in the windshield… I did it. I was doing what every single mom could hope for, right up to the day that I realized those random headaches I was having decided to stick around.

Within 3 months of seeing a neurologist to my pre-operation MRI, my brain tumor had doubled in size. I had to update my Last Will and Testament, make plans for my children if I landed in that worst case scenario, and take time to write letters to my young children. There’s something in writing a letter to your own child that can either rip you to shreds… or make you leave that hospital as soon as possible. So, I went with the second option. To the astonishment of friends and family, and complete strangers for that matter, I left the hospital after having a tumor removed from the center of my head after only 3 days. My mom drove me home that day. That was 8 months ago. I didn’t tell my kids why I was having surgery and that it wasn’t that serious. “Mommy will be just fine.” My sisters were all there for me during that crucial time, older themselves, taking on the responsibilities of parenting my kids.

I have faced some pretty serious situations over the last 11 years. I’m 31 years old now, with an 11 year old son and 6 year old daughter! I thought I had this down pat. I can handle anything thrown my way! That all ended the moment my dear son asked me the words I never thought I’d hear. “Mommy, why don’t I have a real dad? Why can’t I have a dad?” WHAM! Instantaneous migraine with a huge side of heartache.

How do you respond to questions like that? I could play the jealous card with, “Aren’t I enough?” or I could play the “Maybe one of these days…” I could have even said, “There are so many other kids without dads, and you’ll be just fine.” Silence. I sat there on my bed with my son staring at me with questioning hazel eyes and I couldn’t spit out one word that could even begin to comfort him in the way he could understand or deserved for that matter.

Since I heard those questions, and after a long hug to tell him goodnight, I have done nothing but reach out to other moms for advice. I have come full circle with the knowledge that I don’t know a single person that has a child without a father or father figure. I know they exist, but I just don’t know one.

I am now the single mom that can’t fix everything. I don’t have the answer, or even a smart comeback, to everything. So, here are two questions for you to contemplate on for a while:

• What would you tell an 11 year old boy after he asks for a dad? 
• When your children are grown and on their own, and you end up married to a wonderful husband, will you still consider yourself as a single mom?