Budget Guide for the Single Mom

Creating and adjusting to a budget is a pain in the rear, but necessary. You can try a printable budget worksheet to track your monthly spending so you know where your money is disappearing off to, and then you can make the changes that will help you get life moving in the right direction.

As much as I love (loathe) organizing, it didn't take long for me to learn the skill of budgeting. I am what old folks call a tight wad and I am good at living within my means, but creating a budget and sticking to it has always been a hard one. I usually start the month on the right track, but it seems like there is always something lurking around the corner ready to take a yummy bite out of my bank account.

Budgeting isn’t something we learned at my school, though, I think they're teaching it now as an elective. Doing it on your own is scary! Admit it.

There’s never a bad time to start budgeting, but you also won’t have any more success if you start at the “right” time because there isn't one. In the past, I have made a lot of excuses. Extra expenses come along – like car repairs and medical bills – to throw off my plans. If I’m honest, though, there is always something. Y'all know that purse was on sale. No refunds.

How to use a budget worksheet 💜

In my own budget, I included only the expenses that I have. However, there's a few categories for this printable that I think many people use. For example, I don't use Amazon Prime but do have a dreaded cable bill. I'm one of the lucky few that don't have a car note RIGHT NOW, but that'll only last until my hunk of junk makes it's final puff of smoke on the side of the road. (I do love that thing)

The budget worksheet that you'll get to use is one another super mom created and is divided into three main categories: household bills, necessities, and irregular expenses. Household bills are the regular monthly bills that are necessary for your house. Get over it, you have to pay them.

The second category, necessities, is things that you purchase regularly with a flexible amount. The last category, irregular expenses, is really divided into sub-categories. These expenses are once in a blue moon things and can change from month to month. The “fun shopping” sub-category is kind of vague, but it is also the easiest to DELETE when necessary.

Start by writing in your income sources at the top. Also, fill in the date for each week. (Don't get antsy, because I said add dates) Now start keeping track of how much you spend! Before you can make changes to your budget, you need to know what you are already doing wrong. Every time money comes in or goes out, write it on the correlating line under the appropriate week. It doesn't matter if you're paying a couple dollars for soda, because it adds up.  When you get to the end of the month, add up your totals. No cheating!

Where do you spend most of your money? Where can you cut back? If your

income is flexible, how can you earn more if you need to? Did you realize you were
blowing so much in one area? Yeah. I found that out, too.

How to create a budget 💜

Once you know how much you earn and blow through, you can try to create a budget. Only you can determine what needs to change. You need to stick with it to start seeing changes.

After going through this worksheet myself, I realized that I was spending a lot more cash than I thought on food (my kids could eat a grocery store). I was 

sticking to my grocery budget for weekly shopping for the most part, but I also ran to the store for things I forgot every other day! I don't like to eat out, but even the occasional drive-thru order was adding up. Using my budget worksheet, I discovered that we were spending about six weeks’ worth of food budget 

every month. I was mortified.

To fix this, I’m doing two things. First, I’m trying to pay more attention when I make my grocery list and utilize the crap out of coupons, try a little meal planning, so that I 

don’t end up making extra trips to the store. And if we run out of something, it has to wait until the next week. The second thing was to cut back on the fast food. When

I make a simple meal plan I can stick to, we are less likely to hit the drive-thru.

It’s easy to think that a few dollars here and there don’t make a difference, but they really do add up. Those drinks are NOT cheap. 

I think that it’s okay to take a few months to create a good budget if you have the time. It has to be realistic if you are going to stick to it. You probably need to update it often, because things change. Print several of these and track how your spending changes over a few months.

Printable budget worksheet 💜

This budget worksheet fits on a single 8.5×11-inch page. You can print as many copies as you need for personal use. You may need to allow popups or give permission to download.

The All-Consuming Relationship

          It's incredible how some of us don't see that we're in a toxic relationship until we feel like we're drowning. We start out in this amazing situation where we feel like everything is perfect, when we feel the butterflies in our stomach and all we can think about is the intensity of the attention we're getting and how much we missed it. It's disturbing how quickly it can be mistaken for love.

Some of us have started out in these relationships prior to having kids, when all we could think about was having that happy life with a house and kids and a wonderful spouse to share it with. Of course the first thing we want to do is find that perfect spouse! Don't get me wrong, sometimes they just appear out of nowhere and they consume us. I don't use the word consume lightly because that is literally what happens. Your whole world shifts... Be it your career, your friendships, your relationship with your family members. This amazing person comes into your life and they become your life. It's almost as if you didn't even have say-so in the matter. It can happen to the strongest and more independent of us. Next thing you know we feel like everything depends on this other person.

Heaven forbid we schedule something that screws up his schedule. There's no way we could ever eat at a restaurant that he doesn't approve of. Why did you even think to wear that outfit because it's not something he would want you to wear? Why are you still talking to that girl that you've been best friends with your entire life because they're not good for you? 

You are literally questioning everything you have become over your lifetime!

Now whether you ended up marrying this person or not, you're now at the point where there are kids involved. 

Now you are financially dependent on this person whether you like it or not. You have no choice. It's like there are claws embedded in every single part of your life. 

Here's the tricky thing about it though:

This guy that has taken over your life could be any type of person. He could be an addict, or a narcissist, or someone that has mental instability that he's been hiding from you and he decided to stop taking his medication without telling you that you didn't even know he was taking to begin with! It could be any number of things!

But here you are, too scared to leave and terrified to stay. You've lost almost every single one of your friends and support system. You're exhausted because you feel like you are the only one that's able to take care of your kids.

Mental and physical abuse may be part of your life now. Is this affecting your kids as well? What are you doing now?

This happens to the thousands and thousands of women everyday. You could be at grocery store and walk past someone in your exact situation and not even know it.

We've all seen commercials about how to get out of these situations and relationships, but something deep inside says that that's just not you. So you choose to stay.

I raised my son on my own because his father suffered from mental illness and spent most of his adulthood in prison or on the run. I could see it every time he tried to show up and manipulate my son and everyone around him, and I always hoped he would change. I still hope that one day he will. But logically I know better. 

I cry for friends that are being abused and are too scared to leave. I praise God for the strength he gave my friends that did leave those vicious situations, yet they're still fighting the aftermath day in and day out. I see kids being affected be the terror of these situations, mine included, and I beg women to understand the long-lasting effects it can have. I have them myself from my own parent's toxic relationship.

There are so many organizations that exist primarily to help women get out of abusive relationships with or without children just to start over. There are women that leave with absolutely nothing and have to start completely from scratch and they do it. Lord knows it takes a lot of courage but they do.
So here's where I reach the point where I get stuck. I can't rescue them. I can't save them. I can tell them all the right things and be as encouraging as I can, but when it all comes down to it... I have no control over it. They have to fight this battle on their own.

For those seeking resources:

Why You Aren't Allowed To Call My Kid Crazy!

Do you remember when you were younger going into school on that first day and feeling that severe anxiety that you would not know how to handle a situation, or make a new friend, or completely embarrass yourself? Now multiply that times 100, add random hyperness and random depression, throw in some crazy teen hormones and the typical boy genes... And then you can see my son.

He is this amazing creation of imagination and emotion all rolled into one. He has wonderful manners that I will totally take credit for! (He gladly shares these with everyone outside of the home) 

But before I get off track, I'm going to tell you what he's the most amazing at. He goes all day at school without exploding and letting all of those emotions get the best of him. He hides it all day and fakes a smile and pretends that everything is perfectly fine. You might recognize that in yourself! Adults do it everyday. But when my son comes home he crumbles, and it's not pretty. Sometimes it can take hours to pick up the pieces.

Yes, he has a wonderful therapist and a support system but he does not see that. All he can feel is that he's alone and he's scared that he's going to feel like that for the rest of his life. Does that sound familiar? It's something a lot of single moms feel! We may have a few friends that we can call when we're stressed out. We may have a relative that we can call in case of an emergency. We get frustrated. We get angry. We don't know how to communicate our feelings sometimes. 

It's amazing how quick people are able to judge a teenager that is going through such a hard time when we ourselves are dealing with the exact same thing. We just don't know how to relate!

So for those of you with young children that may not be in school yet but are super hyper, don't be afraid to take them to the doctor. Ignore everyone's opinions on what you should do and shouldn't do with your hyper child. That is your child.

For you moms that have a kid that's having a hard time making friends in elementary school, it's okay. Remind them that when they get older, they might not even remember half of those kids. They are there to learn. 

That doesn't mean you need to ignore the situation, though! Explain to them how you have similar issues. Tell them how you have problems making friends sometimes being a single mom. 

For those of you with teenagers, my heart is with you. I feel your frustration.

Your teen may or may not be able to function in school. They may be battling anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, etc and there ARE outlets for you to guide you. There are programs in place to help your student at school. Do not throw your hands up in the air and let some stranger call your kid crazy. Your kid is a warrior just like you are. They are currently in a battle fighting their own war that they may or may not win. Be on their side. Be part of their support system that you wish you had.

There are so many support groups online that you can join where there are mothers and fathers of young adults with "mental illnesses" that can be a shoulder to cry on! You aren't alone.

So I'm telling you now, my son isn't crazy. I may want to scream that at the top of my lungs sometimes because honestly I think we're all a little bit crazy. No. My son, my ambitious and creative teen, my first born... He's a warrior. I'm his mom, but I'm going to be fighting right along side him.

I Could Have Died But I Didn't #2

So everyone has the one time in their life that they think "Geez, I really could have died." Well I could have died pulling walking to the mailbox and tripping over my own feet and cracking my head open but that never happened. I'm just saying, everyone gets at least one of those oddball stories.
Y'all, I have tons. Most of them are from driving in Houston, because let's face it... the driving lessons must have slipped their minds before getting behind that wheel.
My number one was my most recent surgery back in February of 2017. Now if you read my first ever post, this would be my second tumor removed out of my head. I think I've got this surgery thing down by now. You see a ton of doctors and get lots of MRIs and tests and blood work, and ohhh the paperwork. I sign my name so fast it doesn't look like a name. It doesn't resemble a letter. 
Okay. Back to the point. So this tumor is right next to my pituitary gland and optical nerves and major arteries... here. You can watch a video.

Gross right? So mine was bigger and more complicated because they had to go in the same hole they drilled through the last time and they weren't 100% sure I'd make it out at my 100%. I'm pretty stubborn and my kids need me so I did. So here's the skinny, I was in recovery and my son came in just to see me. I was not letting him see me like that. So what did I do? Selfie!

Yes. Against everyone telling me to lay down and I was too drugged out to even be awake, I set up and showed my son that I was okay. That's what moms do.
So my little anxiety ridden son left that day with a lot less stress about me and more stress about going home without me.
So, after my fair share of torture in the neuro ICU (just kidding, Houston Methodist is amazing) I'd had my fill of hearing the crying and the smells of God knows what I was smelling cause it was NOT coming from me. They checked to see if I could stand up, and I did. They just stared at me like I was a freak of nature. I was like, cool. Can I go home now? No such luck. They don't let you leave a day after brain surgery. BUT I can can talk them into three. I was in my own room, walking myself to the restroom, moving around like an old lady... slightly nauseated. I had to get out of there. My kids needed me. So day THREE: I was outta there. Bruised. Alive.

Sleep Deprived Mom

I can't even tell you how many articles and blog posts I've read about how to utilize your time as a mom so you can get enough sleep. I've decided it's all crap. Once you first hold that kid in your arms, it's over.
Babies of course have the worst schedules, so you're up every few hours for feedings and random noises that wake you up. For those of you that have had a baby with health issues, such as colic (Colic is a condition where there are repeated bouts of excessive crying in a baby who is otherwise healthy. The definition doctors use is: a baby crying for more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week, for at least one week.), know that it's very possible to lose your sanity without a few hours of sleep.

Toddlers... why do their brains work so hard at night?! I mean, really? Night terrors gave ME night terrors. The minute you hear that blood curdling scream it's like you're on adrenaline overload. First you are running to the child that isn't even awake enough to tell you what's wrong with them. Then you are trying to calm the screaming down any way that could possibly work (all the while realizing that you really need to pee).
Moms, it doesn't stop there. You will never nap again. There is always going to be something. A child getting into trouble while you close your eyes for a few minutes is the least of your concerns.
I have a sleepwalker/sleep-talker and and a 2 am potty break queen that doesn't get up. She just starts crying until I escort her sleeping self to the bathroom. That's just me, and I thank God that I'm a light sleeper after catching my son walking out the front door at 1 am.
And then comes the hormonal preteen. They stay up late, over thinking things and start taking naps at odd hours all over again, so they think it's perfectly normal to wake you up to ask you a random question about why they need new clothes after you've been asleep for 30 minutes.
Teenagers... looking back and remembering that I used to be one, I've decided I'm never going to sleep again. Teens are getting so creative these days as far as getting out at night and getting in to some sort of trouble whether we know it or not. Remember those jerks that almost smashed your car and you couldn't help but want to choke them and wonder who let them pass drivers ed? Yeah, that's going to be your kid. I literally have no advice. I think about all of the things I remember doing as a teen, the insane things my classmates did, and the horrifying things I hear the "good kids" are doing... I find myself researching boarding schools and high-tech home security systems, right along with animal-type tracking implants with heart monitors and stuff that hasn't been invented yet.
I've reached the point that I can no longer contemplate my children going off to college so I'll end on this note: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Where do you draw the line? Kid Model VS Victim

As a photographer, I've had some pretty insane requests. People will ask you to make them look 20 years younger or 50 lbs lighter, to which I kindly reply, "I will try." It's when the requests regarding children is where I, as the photographer, will gladly draw the line.

Photo Courtesy: polkaphotos.com

Not too long ago I had an 18 year old give me a call requesting boudoir pictures. The first thing she asked when I answered the phone was, "How much does it cost to have boudoir portraits taken?"
Before you start flipping out, I don't take boudoir pictures. I just don't. But as a mom, I just couldn't resist asking her some questions. She sounded so young on the phone that I just let it all out.
1. How did you hear about me? A: I looked up a photographer online.
2. Did my online listing say that I did that type of session? A: I don't know.
3. Why are you wanting to do a boudoir session? A: I thought it'd be cool.
4. How old are you? A: I just turned 18. 
If I could have reached through the phone and put her in a choke hold, I probably would have. I then gave her the talk. By talk, I mean... Areyoufreakingcrazy? You'rejustcallinganyphotographer? Areyoucheckingforreferences? Doyourealizethosepictureswillexistforever? Areyoutryingtogiveyourmotheraheartattack?
I made her swear she wouldn't do it... but had her crying by the end of the call.
This brings me to my topic: Where do you draw the line?

Photo Courtesy: Maaji Swimwear

I absolutely will NOT take pictures of a child wearing make-up or skimpy clothing. Yes, I will tell a teenage girl that I won't take a picture of her in semi-revealing tankini. Sure, I'll set up a hair stylist to make a little girl look perky and fun. I'll gladly have a stylist create a unique up-do for senior pictures. I will not take pictures of a 7 year old girl in a bikini and makeup.
After seeing some extremely "inappropriate" pictures lately, I can't help but wonder who draws the line and where?
First you have the parents that think, "Oh my gosh! My baby is going to be modeling and will be in BLABLABLA magazine!" Then you have the photographer that's MAYBE thinking, "Whatever these magazine folks want, because I have bills to pay." But then you have to think about the magazines and websites that might or might not be advertising a product. Who are they marketing to?! Is my daughter going online to pick out a $70 bikini? Um... no. Are they marketing to moms that are keeping up with the Kardashians? Who had the genius idea to put a little girl on a magazine page with enough make-up to cause early onset acne and style her like a covergirl?
It's not the playing dress-up that's bothering me. It's not even (maybe a little) the posing like a pin-up model. What's bothering me is that somehow these pictures are going in magazines to be handed out for whatever reason... and it's almost exactly what some pedophiles are being arrested for having saved on their hard drive at home. Don't get me wrong. There's definitely a nudity line (not a strong enough line). Where do you draw the line with everything else? Why can't we let a kid be a kid and not dress them up like "Barbie dolls" when you can go buy a doll at the store? Grow up folks! It's not cute or sweet. It's not even art. It's wrong.

Your Kids have TOO MANY TOYS! Now What?

Your kids have too many toys. Your friends have told you. Your neighbors have told you. The babysitter has told you several times. What's stopping you from doing something about it? Ah, yes. The crying and screaming that you don't want to deal with is the reason your home is in complete chaos and you can't walk across your kid's bedroom without stepping on something. Let's work on NOT having a sharp pain under your foot for a while, shall we? Here are some steps you can take to clean it out!

Step 1. The first thing you need to do is stop adding to the collection of JUNK that seems to end up

under the bed... or even your bed for that matter. You do not need to buy a toy every time you step into Target just so you can go shopping in peace. If you're having a problem breaking that habit, give the kids their own shopping list. It'll give them a responsibility as well as keep you on track. Let's save you some money while you're at it!

Step 2. Talk to your friends and relatives. Let them know that you are clearing things out. They might have some ways to help "make things disappear" or they will at least know that they don't need to add to the collection any time soon.

Step 3. Give them the opportunity to pick out what they want to lose first. You can get creative with this, too. You can put out some boxes with labels that show whether the child wants to sell it (garage sale! Let them keep the money!), donate it to children that don't have toys, or toys that are broken and need to hit the trash can. This can amazingly cut that pile in half.

Step 4. Pack up half of what's left in storage tubs. They can pick what goes in them to play with later, because it's time to rotate. If your child has too many options, they lose imaginative skills. They need to be creative with what they have! You can switch them out every six months, which gives you another opportunity to clean out the newest junk.

Step 5. This may be hard at first, but you can tell your child(ren) that if you find a neglected toy where it doesn't belong, it goes in a donation box. Basically, "It's mine. You lost it when you decided not to take care of it." It hurts at first, but eventually they'll catch on.

Step 6. If you really want to get creative about it, and if you are friends with moms that have kids near the same ages, you can put things into a trade box. Each kid has to put several toys in a box so they can choose one "used/new" toy out of a friend's box. This way, they may be losing a bunch of toys, but they get something else to play with. Take what's left to a facility that helps foster children!

Next thing you know, you have managed to get rid of at least a fourth of the junk that's taking up so much space. You won't hear "I"M BORED!" quite so often. The only project left will be to show your children how to keep what they have organized. Unfortunately, this is a "lead by example" situation. Have them help you organize a room that you've been ignoring, and in turn, help them organize. It won't happen overnight, that's for sure. But either decide to take action, or keep stepping on toys. Your choice!

NOW GET ORGANIZING!

Patience is a Virtue

According to Wikipedia, "Patience is a virtue is a proverbial phrase referring to one of the seven heavenly virtues typically said to date back to "Psychomachia," an epic poem written in the fifth century." Also stating, " The first virtues were identified by the Greek philosophers Aristotle and Plato, who regarded temperance, wisdom, justice, and courage as the four most desirable character traits. After the New Testament was written, these four virtues became known as the cardinal virtues, while faith, hope and charity were referred to as the theological virtues."

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have heard the saying "Patience is a virtue" anywhere from movies to my parents. It seems to have outweighed the other 7 virtues over time, that's for sure. I have decided that it is primarily used by parents or our elders as a way to basically say, "shut up and wait, because I can't do anything about it." I have even let it slip out of my mouth a time or two, being pretty ironic coming from the least patient person EVER!

Today, as I wasn't feeling that hot (I laid in the bed most of the day being super lazy), my children kept asking me when we were going to do something fun this summer. I looked at my daughter like she had completely lost her mind at some of the ideas she brought to the table. She said, "Let's just go to Hawaii for a few weeks." Right... let me get right on that. My son wanted to go to the neighborhood pool, which he mentioned every hour on the hour. Again, I looked at him like he was crazy and didn't even respond. I told them bright and early that I was taking a sick day and to go play with the abundance of junk they have all over the house!

They eventually just pushed me too far and so after dinner, it was off to the getting ready for bed

routine. My son took approximately an hour to get a shower and brush his teeth. He's eleven, therefor he dragged that one out 4 times what it should have taken. My daughter took 15 minutes to pick out her pajamas, 30 minutes in her "relaxing bubble bath", and 45 minutes to dry off and get her pajamas on. I'm still trying to figure out how they managed to argue with each other the majority of this whole process, considering they were using two different bathrooms. It amazes me.

As it is summer, we had already surpassed bedtime by two hours at the point where I was turning red in the face and I'm pretty sure a few new white hairs sprang from my head. I think I said go to bed at least 8 times ( I don't exaggerate this), when my son came to me with a VERY important question. "Did you remember to schedule your doctor appointment last week like you were supposed to?" OMG, Kid, you have got to be freaking kidding me! Are you serious? It's Sunday night, way past your bedtime, and you want to know if I scheduled MY doctor appointment? Seriously? No. Just, no.

I looked at him with one of those "looks" that your grandma gave you right before she bit your head off for breaking something of value... he ran. I've seen this kid run like the wind, but never this fast. He was just GONE. Quiet... finally it was quiet. I was sure they were asleep. I started cleaning up the mess they had made from getting ready for bed when I hear this tiny little whisper from my daughter's doorway, "Patience really is a virtue, Mommy. You are supposed to be patient with me and my brother. It's important." "Oh, really?" I said, "Why is that?"
Barely peeking her head around the doorway at this point she responds, "Because you have to do it again tomorrow."

I had no response. Logically, she was right. I was going to be doing it again the very next day. "Goodnight. Go to bed."

Definition of Patience: noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

Be a Giver VS. Get a husband!

Anyone that has been around a young child knows that kids are initially very needy. They can't function alone. Need examples? Here's a few:

• Wiping butts
• Picking boogers
• Fixing meals
• Brushing teeth
• Washing hands
• Reading labels on EVERYTHING

So, having two kids is double the fun! I'm constantly helping one or the other. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? Heck, no! Would I do things differently if I could turn back the clock? Never.

It has been a constant topic in the media and governments around the world on how single parents are able to raise their children to "be the best they can be" when on a single parent income, and without a father figure to round things out. CNN has recently shared an article AGAIN bringing attention to Republican 2016 presidential contender Jeb Bush's 1994 comment, "If people are mentally and physically able to work, they should be able to do so within a two-year period. They should be able to get their life together and find a husband, find a job, find other alternatives in terms of private charity or a combination of all three," Hello, slap-in-the-face.

I am perfectly happy being single. I don't want to date right now, as I don't think it's what's best for myself or my children. (Another story for another day) Would it help bring more money into the home? That's a question for women that are supporting their entire families, husbands included. 

I have friends from all over that would have different viewpoints on that topic.

• Single mom of 4 with two jobs and a loving family
• Single mom of adopted child that is learning as she goes
• Married mother of 1 and full-time step mother to 3
• Married mother of 2 working from home
• SEVERAL recently divorced single moms

You can't have one solution that applies to every scenario! Children watch their mothers very closely. They mimic their reactions, words, facial expressions, and deductive reasoning... which is why I bring up Being a Giver.

Over the past few years, I've found that it is easier and more healthy to divide your day into three parts:

1. Time for yourself: eat, sleep, meditate, self-care, etc.
2. Work. You have to make a living, right? Let's include paying the bills in this category.
3. Give your time helping others. This can include a conversation with the little ones in a car ride across town, volunteering for a non-profit, helping a friend move her furniture, letting a sibling vent your ear off about how sucky their day was... you get the point?

My children watch what I do. They see how tired I am, and God love them, they TRY to give me quite time when I need it. They see that I work on things that are important to me, necessary as a family, and helpful to others. They don't ask why I'm helping a friend get their non-profit up and running. They don't ask why I didn't buy the name brand cereal at the store instead of the generic brand. They don't ask "why?" about many things because it's what they KNOW. I want my children to be strong and independent when they are adults, not dependent on someone else. If they learn one thing from me in life, I'd prefer that it be my three-part-day. Sometimes it won't work perfectly, but it builds character. 

Does anyone have their life together? I'll ask God one day about that... because I sure don't see that happening anytime soon. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll give of myself until I can give no more, and will continue to do so, before I "get a husband."

Words we shouldn't use

I'm having one of those moments when I just want to shout "SHUT UP!" at the top of my lungs because (only God knows why) my children that are five years apart need to fight with each other like they're about to jump into a boxing ring. "Those be fightin' words" comes to mind when I look into my daughters eyes as she's glaring into my son's. Pure rage.
How we handle ourselves in these situations is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I've had to break up a fight and run for my room... just to get a grip on my own temper! Is it just me, or do kids have this sense of when you're about to crack and then slam down the hammer with another bout of screaming?
I have seen so many different forms of parenting. One of my sisters is a teacher, for heaven's sake! But I don't believe in time out, because no child is ever going to sit there and think about what they did wrong. Time out is for parents that are about to blow their top and the safest place for said child is sitting down somewhere quietly... away from the twitching hand. I'll admit it. I'm a yeller. That's when they know they can still have a little room to get away with whatever they're doing. The minute I stop yelling, they know they've pushed me too far.

I am all for the revoking of privileges and electronics (or whatever is most important to them at the time), so I am currently threatening their summer swimming time. I know what you're thinking. What single mom has time for that? Considering the fact that most of my work is done at home in my own timing, my kids are with me ALL summer. No dads on the weekends, no friends that live nearby to dump them on, no summer camps (cause those suckers cost some serious $), and in my situation... Nana isn't happening. I get to keep my unhappy little campers right here at home! There was one rule that did stick as school let out for the year, though. "If you say you're bored, I'll give you something to do." Twelve days in, and I have the house somewhat cleaner than it normally is, my electric bill will be lower (thank you paperback books), and I am no longer in charge of making lunches. Go me!
So, I'm sitting here gritting my teeth so I don't yell "SHUT UP" and thinking of other words that I'd prefer to say but won't. Here's my question for you:

• How do you personally control your temper when your child is out of control?

My long story... shorter.

Go ahead. Take a look back at your early twenties when you could go out with friends, stay up all night, go on a midnight run to the grocery store for ice cream… ahhh, wasn’t that nice? I didn’t have that. I was one of those girls that got pregnant at 19 years old. I remember all of the comments from friends and family regarding my options. As a hot political topic, I’m not going there. I’ll just tell you that I was a mom by 20 years old. I went through pregnancy like a “champ” meaning- I was throwing up the entire time. My son came into this world swinging. He was so tiny, jaundice and other things kept him in the ICU for 2 weeks. I sat there by his side alone, with few visitors to check on us. He came home with what some moms know as “cholic” and I only know as the end of sleep as I knew it. I thought I was going to completely lose my mind. I called a “mommy” neighbor at one point just begging her to get him to stop crying. His father went POOF!

Let’s walk a few years down the road, a few random jobs later, and WOW! Meet my new dream-come-true. What a perfect guy! He’ll be a great father to my son. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “Oops, I did it again” in my head those first few months of hanging my head over the toilet or nearest trash can. Don’t get me wrong, this guy really tried. But let’s be honest, not many guys in their early twenties want a ready-made family.

I packed what I could fit in my car, and drove 5 states over to my mom. I needed help. She was the one that took me to the hospital when I went into labor a month early. She was the one that carried my sleeping son out of the delivery room as I brought my sweet little girl into the world. My daughter is the fighter in this family. She wasn’t even 5 lbs when I brought her home. Just to brag, I drove myself home from the hospital and picked up my son from school on the way.

From then on, I truly recognized that I was a single mom of two children. I had to get my act together! My mom helped when she could, but I was back to finding my career as soon as my daughter was old enough for child care. So I did. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to bursting at the seams with creativity. I had a house, a career, a car with a nice crack in the windshield… I did it. I was doing what every single mom could hope for, right up to the day that I realized those random headaches I was having decided to stick around.

Within 3 months of seeing a neurologist to my pre-operation MRI, my brain tumor had doubled in size. I had to update my Last Will and Testament, make plans for my children if I landed in that worst case scenario, and take time to write letters to my young children. There’s something in writing a letter to your own child that can either rip you to shreds… or make you leave that hospital as soon as possible. So, I went with the second option. To the astonishment of friends and family, and complete strangers for that matter, I left the hospital after having a tumor removed from the center of my head after only 3 days. My mom drove me home that day. That was 8 months ago. I didn’t tell my kids why I was having surgery and that it wasn’t that serious. “Mommy will be just fine.” My sisters were all there for me during that crucial time, older themselves, taking on the responsibilities of parenting my kids.

I have faced some pretty serious situations over the last 11 years. I’m 31 years old now, with an 11 year old son and 6 year old daughter! I thought I had this down pat. I can handle anything thrown my way! That all ended the moment my dear son asked me the words I never thought I’d hear. “Mommy, why don’t I have a real dad? Why can’t I have a dad?” WHAM! Instantaneous migraine with a huge side of heartache.

How do you respond to questions like that? I could play the jealous card with, “Aren’t I enough?” or I could play the “Maybe one of these days…” I could have even said, “There are so many other kids without dads, and you’ll be just fine.” Silence. I sat there on my bed with my son staring at me with questioning hazel eyes and I couldn’t spit out one word that could even begin to comfort him in the way he could understand or deserved for that matter.

Since I heard those questions, and after a long hug to tell him goodnight, I have done nothing but reach out to other moms for advice. I have come full circle with the knowledge that I don’t know a single person that has a child without a father or father figure. I know they exist, but I just don’t know one.

I am now the single mom that can’t fix everything. I don’t have the answer, or even a smart comeback, to everything. So, here are two questions for you to contemplate on for a while:

• What would you tell an 11 year old boy after he asks for a dad? 
• When your children are grown and on their own, and you end up married to a wonderful husband, will you still consider yourself as a single mom?