The All-Consuming Relationship

          It's incredible how some of us don't see that we're in a toxic relationship until we feel like we're drowning. We start out in this amazing situation where we feel like everything is perfect, when we feel the butterflies in our stomach and all we can think about is the intensity of the attention we're getting and how much we missed it. It's disturbing how quickly it can be mistaken for love.

Some of us have started out in these relationships prior to having kids, when all we could think about was having that happy life with a house and kids and a wonderful spouse to share it with. Of course the first thing we want to do is find that perfect spouse! Don't get me wrong, sometimes they just appear out of nowhere and they consume us. I don't use the word consume lightly because that is literally what happens. Your whole world shifts... Be it your career, your friendships, your relationship with your family members. This amazing person comes into your life and they become your life. It's almost as if you didn't even have say-so in the matter. It can happen to the strongest and more independent of us. Next thing you know we feel like everything depends on this other person.

Heaven forbid we schedule something that screws up his schedule. There's no way we could ever eat at a restaurant that he doesn't approve of. Why did you even think to wear that outfit because it's not something he would want you to wear? Why are you still talking to that girl that you've been best friends with your entire life because they're not good for you? 

You are literally questioning everything you have become over your lifetime!

Now whether you ended up marrying this person or not, you're now at the point where there are kids involved. 

Now you are financially dependent on this person whether you like it or not. You have no choice. It's like there are claws embedded in every single part of your life. 

Here's the tricky thing about it though:

This guy that has taken over your life could be any type of person. He could be an addict, or a narcissist, or someone that has mental instability that he's been hiding from you and he decided to stop taking his medication without telling you that you didn't even know he was taking to begin with! It could be any number of things!

But here you are, too scared to leave and terrified to stay. You've lost almost every single one of your friends and support system. You're exhausted because you feel like you are the only one that's able to take care of your kids.

Mental and physical abuse may be part of your life now. Is this affecting your kids as well? What are you doing now?

This happens to the thousands and thousands of women everyday. You could be at grocery store and walk past someone in your exact situation and not even know it.

We've all seen commercials about how to get out of these situations and relationships, but something deep inside says that that's just not you. So you choose to stay.

I raised my son on my own because his father suffered from mental illness and spent most of his adulthood in prison or on the run. I could see it every time he tried to show up and manipulate my son and everyone around him, and I always hoped he would change. I still hope that one day he will. But logically I know better. 

I cry for friends that are being abused and are too scared to leave. I praise God for the strength he gave my friends that did leave those vicious situations, yet they're still fighting the aftermath day in and day out. I see kids being affected be the terror of these situations, mine included, and I beg women to understand the long-lasting effects it can have. I have them myself from my own parent's toxic relationship.

There are so many organizations that exist primarily to help women get out of abusive relationships with or without children just to start over. There are women that leave with absolutely nothing and have to start completely from scratch and they do it. Lord knows it takes a lot of courage but they do.
So here's where I reach the point where I get stuck. I can't rescue them. I can't save them. I can tell them all the right things and be as encouraging as I can, but when it all comes down to it... I have no control over it. They have to fight this battle on their own.

For those seeking resources:

Sleep Deprived Mom

I can't even tell you how many articles and blog posts I've read about how to utilize your time as a mom so you can get enough sleep. I've decided it's all crap. Once you first hold that kid in your arms, it's over.
Babies of course have the worst schedules, so you're up every few hours for feedings and random noises that wake you up. For those of you that have had a baby with health issues, such as colic (Colic is a condition where there are repeated bouts of excessive crying in a baby who is otherwise healthy. The definition doctors use is: a baby crying for more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week, for at least one week.), know that it's very possible to lose your sanity without a few hours of sleep.

Toddlers... why do their brains work so hard at night?! I mean, really? Night terrors gave ME night terrors. The minute you hear that blood curdling scream it's like you're on adrenaline overload. First you are running to the child that isn't even awake enough to tell you what's wrong with them. Then you are trying to calm the screaming down any way that could possibly work (all the while realizing that you really need to pee).
Moms, it doesn't stop there. You will never nap again. There is always going to be something. A child getting into trouble while you close your eyes for a few minutes is the least of your concerns.
I have a sleepwalker/sleep-talker and and a 2 am potty break queen that doesn't get up. She just starts crying until I escort her sleeping self to the bathroom. That's just me, and I thank God that I'm a light sleeper after catching my son walking out the front door at 1 am.
And then comes the hormonal preteen. They stay up late, over thinking things and start taking naps at odd hours all over again, so they think it's perfectly normal to wake you up to ask you a random question about why they need new clothes after you've been asleep for 30 minutes.
Teenagers... looking back and remembering that I used to be one, I've decided I'm never going to sleep again. Teens are getting so creative these days as far as getting out at night and getting in to some sort of trouble whether we know it or not. Remember those jerks that almost smashed your car and you couldn't help but want to choke them and wonder who let them pass drivers ed? Yeah, that's going to be your kid. I literally have no advice. I think about all of the things I remember doing as a teen, the insane things my classmates did, and the horrifying things I hear the "good kids" are doing... I find myself researching boarding schools and high-tech home security systems, right along with animal-type tracking implants with heart monitors and stuff that hasn't been invented yet.
I've reached the point that I can no longer contemplate my children going off to college so I'll end on this note: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Be a Giver VS. Get a husband!

Anyone that has been around a young child knows that kids are initially very needy. They can't function alone. Need examples? Here's a few:

• Wiping butts
• Picking boogers
• Fixing meals
• Brushing teeth
• Washing hands
• Reading labels on EVERYTHING

So, having two kids is double the fun! I'm constantly helping one or the other. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? Heck, no! Would I do things differently if I could turn back the clock? Never.

It has been a constant topic in the media and governments around the world on how single parents are able to raise their children to "be the best they can be" when on a single parent income, and without a father figure to round things out. CNN has recently shared an article AGAIN bringing attention to Republican 2016 presidential contender Jeb Bush's 1994 comment, "If people are mentally and physically able to work, they should be able to do so within a two-year period. They should be able to get their life together and find a husband, find a job, find other alternatives in terms of private charity or a combination of all three," Hello, slap-in-the-face.

I am perfectly happy being single. I don't want to date right now, as I don't think it's what's best for myself or my children. (Another story for another day) Would it help bring more money into the home? That's a question for women that are supporting their entire families, husbands included. 

I have friends from all over that would have different viewpoints on that topic.

• Single mom of 4 with two jobs and a loving family
• Single mom of adopted child that is learning as she goes
• Married mother of 1 and full-time step mother to 3
• Married mother of 2 working from home
• SEVERAL recently divorced single moms

You can't have one solution that applies to every scenario! Children watch their mothers very closely. They mimic their reactions, words, facial expressions, and deductive reasoning... which is why I bring up Being a Giver.

Over the past few years, I've found that it is easier and more healthy to divide your day into three parts:

1. Time for yourself: eat, sleep, meditate, self-care, etc.
2. Work. You have to make a living, right? Let's include paying the bills in this category.
3. Give your time helping others. This can include a conversation with the little ones in a car ride across town, volunteering for a non-profit, helping a friend move her furniture, letting a sibling vent your ear off about how sucky their day was... you get the point?

My children watch what I do. They see how tired I am, and God love them, they TRY to give me quite time when I need it. They see that I work on things that are important to me, necessary as a family, and helpful to others. They don't ask why I'm helping a friend get their non-profit up and running. They don't ask why I didn't buy the name brand cereal at the store instead of the generic brand. They don't ask "why?" about many things because it's what they KNOW. I want my children to be strong and independent when they are adults, not dependent on someone else. If they learn one thing from me in life, I'd prefer that it be my three-part-day. Sometimes it won't work perfectly, but it builds character. 

Does anyone have their life together? I'll ask God one day about that... because I sure don't see that happening anytime soon. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll give of myself until I can give no more, and will continue to do so, before I "get a husband."