Find Your Tribe!

Sometimes we're so wrapped up in our routines, trying to keep our kids alive and fed, that we forget that we need partners in crime, buddies, a crew, besties, recently known as a TRIBE. 

We have isolated ourselves into the world of lunchboxes, diapers, and Pinterest. Sure, diapers are great to have in a crunch, but do they have your back? No, you know what I mean. You need your girls.

It seems like every movie that comes out in theatres now that has a powerhouse woman in the lead has at least one or two ladies in her tribe. Or maybe a gay white guy... Whatever. I'm getting sidetracked.

We need to start from the basics. What defines a tribe? After looking at the Merriam-Webster definition and skipping over the first couple very ancient definitions that probably needs a major update I came across something they came to similar to a good definition that we can go by. Ergo, a tribe is a group of persons having a common character, occupation, or interest. I'm just going to rest my hand on my forehead for a second while I kind of chuckle to myself. Whew. Ok.

Noooo. Just no. Your tribe is the girls that you might not actually have anything in common with but can call in the middle of the night and they answer that phone! Your tribe might consist of someone you met while grocery shopping, or at the playground, or in the insane moms group on Facebook where everyone likes to cat fight like two year olds. Good news is you might have found your tribe. Of course, you're going to hit your trials and tribulations to rule out the crazies. You're going to have your bumps in the roads like any other relationship. There's going to be ones that just cannot be there all the time because they are about to lose their minds. But there is a TRIBE there.

Now are you thinking to yourself you don't have one yet? That's okay, momma. We've all been there. I see you.

You might need to surprise yourself and get those kids dressed and go to church on Sunday morning. You'd be quite amazed at the funnies that'll turn up at church one Sunday morning just to catch a break from the screaming. 

Don't forget you need to get a little multicultural here. You need to have at least one Latina that can cuss you out in another language and cook you out of the kitchen. You always need someone with an accent you have no idea where they're actually from but you pretend that you do because it would be an insult to their culture if you didn't and you're going to pretend you ate that food that you hid in their napkin.

Don't forget you need one that'll go old school on your ass and remind you of your 5th grade teacher. And of course you need the athletic one because who else is going to make you stop eating all the junk food that you're cramming in your mouth when you feel like crap?

You can find them everywhere! You can literally open your mouth and say I want to be your friend. There is a huge chance that girl needs a friend too!

You can find friends on Instagram... But let's just try to keep them local, okay? Finding them in your very own neighborhood is the best.

Here's the thing about these moms... Some of them might not be single, they might be going through a divorce or, they might have a boyfriend. But you need your tribe because you can not do life alone. Sitting there watching TV and binge watching Netflix is not going to get you anywhere in life. Have fun evenings together where you're cooking and letting the wild children run around having fun. You need them more than they need you sometimes. You each have your own experiences that you can share with one another to help you get through life. It's hard being a single mom, but it's harder being a single mom with no friends. Don't be stupid. If you haven't found your tribe, go find it. They're looking for you, too!

Be a Giver VS. Get a husband!

Anyone that has been around a young child knows that kids are initially very needy. They can't function alone. Need examples? Here's a few:

• Wiping butts
• Picking boogers
• Fixing meals
• Brushing teeth
• Washing hands
• Reading labels on EVERYTHING

So, having two kids is double the fun! I'm constantly helping one or the other. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? Heck, no! Would I do things differently if I could turn back the clock? Never.

It has been a constant topic in the media and governments around the world on how single parents are able to raise their children to "be the best they can be" when on a single parent income, and without a father figure to round things out. CNN has recently shared an article AGAIN bringing attention to Republican 2016 presidential contender Jeb Bush's 1994 comment, "If people are mentally and physically able to work, they should be able to do so within a two-year period. They should be able to get their life together and find a husband, find a job, find other alternatives in terms of private charity or a combination of all three," Hello, slap-in-the-face.

I am perfectly happy being single. I don't want to date right now, as I don't think it's what's best for myself or my children. (Another story for another day) Would it help bring more money into the home? That's a question for women that are supporting their entire families, husbands included. 

I have friends from all over that would have different viewpoints on that topic.

• Single mom of 4 with two jobs and a loving family
• Single mom of adopted child that is learning as she goes
• Married mother of 1 and full-time step mother to 3
• Married mother of 2 working from home
• SEVERAL recently divorced single moms

You can't have one solution that applies to every scenario! Children watch their mothers very closely. They mimic their reactions, words, facial expressions, and deductive reasoning... which is why I bring up Being a Giver.

Over the past few years, I've found that it is easier and more healthy to divide your day into three parts:

1. Time for yourself: eat, sleep, meditate, self-care, etc.
2. Work. You have to make a living, right? Let's include paying the bills in this category.
3. Give your time helping others. This can include a conversation with the little ones in a car ride across town, volunteering for a non-profit, helping a friend move her furniture, letting a sibling vent your ear off about how sucky their day was... you get the point?

My children watch what I do. They see how tired I am, and God love them, they TRY to give me quite time when I need it. They see that I work on things that are important to me, necessary as a family, and helpful to others. They don't ask why I'm helping a friend get their non-profit up and running. They don't ask why I didn't buy the name brand cereal at the store instead of the generic brand. They don't ask "why?" about many things because it's what they KNOW. I want my children to be strong and independent when they are adults, not dependent on someone else. If they learn one thing from me in life, I'd prefer that it be my three-part-day. Sometimes it won't work perfectly, but it builds character. 

Does anyone have their life together? I'll ask God one day about that... because I sure don't see that happening anytime soon. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll give of myself until I can give no more, and will continue to do so, before I "get a husband."

My long story... shorter.

Go ahead. Take a look back at your early twenties when you could go out with friends, stay up all night, go on a midnight run to the grocery store for ice cream… ahhh, wasn’t that nice? I didn’t have that. I was one of those girls that got pregnant at 19 years old. I remember all of the comments from friends and family regarding my options. As a hot political topic, I’m not going there. I’ll just tell you that I was a mom by 20 years old. I went through pregnancy like a “champ” meaning- I was throwing up the entire time. My son came into this world swinging. He was so tiny, jaundice and other things kept him in the ICU for 2 weeks. I sat there by his side alone, with few visitors to check on us. He came home with what some moms know as “cholic” and I only know as the end of sleep as I knew it. I thought I was going to completely lose my mind. I called a “mommy” neighbor at one point just begging her to get him to stop crying. His father went POOF!

Let’s walk a few years down the road, a few random jobs later, and WOW! Meet my new dream-come-true. What a perfect guy! He’ll be a great father to my son. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “Oops, I did it again” in my head those first few months of hanging my head over the toilet or nearest trash can. Don’t get me wrong, this guy really tried. But let’s be honest, not many guys in their early twenties want a ready-made family.

I packed what I could fit in my car, and drove 5 states over to my mom. I needed help. She was the one that took me to the hospital when I went into labor a month early. She was the one that carried my sleeping son out of the delivery room as I brought my sweet little girl into the world. My daughter is the fighter in this family. She wasn’t even 5 lbs when I brought her home. Just to brag, I drove myself home from the hospital and picked up my son from school on the way.

From then on, I truly recognized that I was a single mom of two children. I had to get my act together! My mom helped when she could, but I was back to finding my career as soon as my daughter was old enough for child care. So I did. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to bursting at the seams with creativity. I had a house, a career, a car with a nice crack in the windshield… I did it. I was doing what every single mom could hope for, right up to the day that I realized those random headaches I was having decided to stick around.

Within 3 months of seeing a neurologist to my pre-operation MRI, my brain tumor had doubled in size. I had to update my Last Will and Testament, make plans for my children if I landed in that worst case scenario, and take time to write letters to my young children. There’s something in writing a letter to your own child that can either rip you to shreds… or make you leave that hospital as soon as possible. So, I went with the second option. To the astonishment of friends and family, and complete strangers for that matter, I left the hospital after having a tumor removed from the center of my head after only 3 days. My mom drove me home that day. That was 8 months ago. I didn’t tell my kids why I was having surgery and that it wasn’t that serious. “Mommy will be just fine.” My sisters were all there for me during that crucial time, older themselves, taking on the responsibilities of parenting my kids.

I have faced some pretty serious situations over the last 11 years. I’m 31 years old now, with an 11 year old son and 6 year old daughter! I thought I had this down pat. I can handle anything thrown my way! That all ended the moment my dear son asked me the words I never thought I’d hear. “Mommy, why don’t I have a real dad? Why can’t I have a dad?” WHAM! Instantaneous migraine with a huge side of heartache.

How do you respond to questions like that? I could play the jealous card with, “Aren’t I enough?” or I could play the “Maybe one of these days…” I could have even said, “There are so many other kids without dads, and you’ll be just fine.” Silence. I sat there on my bed with my son staring at me with questioning hazel eyes and I couldn’t spit out one word that could even begin to comfort him in the way he could understand or deserved for that matter.

Since I heard those questions, and after a long hug to tell him goodnight, I have done nothing but reach out to other moms for advice. I have come full circle with the knowledge that I don’t know a single person that has a child without a father or father figure. I know they exist, but I just don’t know one.

I am now the single mom that can’t fix everything. I don’t have the answer, or even a smart comeback, to everything. So, here are two questions for you to contemplate on for a while:

• What would you tell an 11 year old boy after he asks for a dad? 
• When your children are grown and on their own, and you end up married to a wonderful husband, will you still consider yourself as a single mom?