A Single Mom's Vent

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Sleep Deprived Mom

I can't even tell you how many articles and blog posts I've read about how to utilize your time as a mom so you can get enough sleep. I've decided it's all crap. Once you first hold that kid in your arms, it's over.
Babies of course have the worst schedules, so you're up every few hours for feedings and random noises that wake you up. For those of you that have had a baby with health issues, such as colic (Colic is a condition where there are repeated bouts of excessive crying in a baby who is otherwise healthy. The definition doctors use is: a baby crying for more than three hours a day, for more than three days a week, for at least one week.), know that it's very possible to lose your sanity without a few hours of sleep.

Toddlers... why do their brains work so hard at night?! I mean, really? Night terrors gave ME night terrors. The minute you hear that blood curdling scream it's like you're on adrenaline overload. First you are running to the child that isn't even awake enough to tell you what's wrong with them. Then you are trying to calm the screaming down any way that could possibly work (all the while realizing that you really need to pee).
Moms, it doesn't stop there. You will never nap again. There is always going to be something. A child getting into trouble while you close your eyes for a few minutes is the least of your concerns.
I have a sleepwalker/sleep-talker and and a 2 am potty break queen that doesn't get up. She just starts crying until I escort her sleeping self to the bathroom. That's just me, and I thank God that I'm a light sleeper after catching my son walking out the front door at 1 am.
And then comes the hormonal preteen. They stay up late, over thinking things and start taking naps at odd hours all over again, so they think it's perfectly normal to wake you up to ask you a random question about why they need new clothes after you've been asleep for 30 minutes.
Teenagers... looking back and remembering that I used to be one, I've decided I'm never going to sleep again. Teens are getting so creative these days as far as getting out at night and getting in to some sort of trouble whether we know it or not. Remember those jerks that almost smashed your car and you couldn't help but want to choke them and wonder who let them pass drivers ed? Yeah, that's going to be your kid. I literally have no advice. I think about all of the things I remember doing as a teen, the insane things my classmates did, and the horrifying things I hear the "good kids" are doing... I find myself researching boarding schools and high-tech home security systems, right along with animal-type tracking implants with heart monitors and stuff that hasn't been invented yet.
I've reached the point that I can no longer contemplate my children going off to college so I'll end on this note: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Where do you draw the line? Kid Model VS Victim

As a photographer, I've had some pretty insane requests. People will ask you to make them look 20 years younger or 50 lbs lighter, to which I kindly reply, "I will try." It's when the requests regarding children is where I, as the photographer, will gladly draw the line.

Photo Courtesy: polkaphotos.com

Not too long ago I had an 18 year old give me a call requesting boudoir pictures. The first thing she asked when I answered the phone was, "How much does it cost to have boudoir portraits taken?"
Before you start flipping out, I don't take boudoir pictures. I just don't. But as a mom, I just couldn't resist asking her some questions. She sounded so young on the phone that I just let it all out.
1. How did you hear about me? A: I looked up a photographer online.
2. Did my online listing say that I did that type of session? A: I don't know.
3. Why are you wanting to do a boudoir session? A: I thought it'd be cool.
4. How old are you? A: I just turned 18.
If I could have reached through the phone and put her in a choke hold, I probably would have. I then gave her the talk. By talk, I mean... Areyoufreakingcrazy? You'rejustcallinganyphotographer? Areyoucheckingforreferences? Doyourealizethosepictureswillexistforever? Areyoutryingtogiveyourmotheraheartattack?
I made her swear she wouldn't do it... but had her crying by the end of the call.
This brings me to my topic: Where do you draw the line?

Photo Courtesy: Maaji Swimwear

I absolutely will NOT take pictures of a child wearing make-up or skimpy clothing. Yes, I will tell a teenage girl that I won't take a picture of her in semi-revealing tankini. Sure, I'll set up a hair stylist to make a little girl look perky and fun. I'll gladly have a stylist create a unique up-do for senior pictures. I will not take pictures of a 7 year old girl in a bikini and makeup.
After seeing some extremely "inappropriate" pictures lately, I can't help but wonder who draws the line and where?
First you have the parents that think, "Oh my gosh! My baby is going to be modeling and will be in BLABLABLA magazine!" Then you have the photographer that's MAYBE thinking, "Whatever these magazine folks want, because I have bills to pay." But then you have to think about the magazines and websites that might or might not be advertising a product. Who are they marketing to?! Is my daughter going online to pick out a $70 bikini? Um... no. Are they marketing to moms that are keeping up with the Kardashians? Who had the genius idea to put a little girl on a magazine page with enough make-up to cause early onset acne and style her like a covergirl?
It's not the playing dress-up that's bothering me. It's not even (maybe a little) the posing like a pin-up model. What's bothering me is that somehow these pictures are going in magazines to be handed out for whatever reason... and it's almost exactly what some pedophiles are being arrested for having saved on their hard drive at home. Don't get me wrong. There's definitely a nudity line (not a strong enough line). Where do you draw the line with everything else? Why can't we let a kid be a kid and not dress them up like "Barbie dolls" when you can go buy a doll at the store? Grow up folks! It's not cute or sweet. It's not even art. It's wrong.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Beat the Summer Blues

Because I had the genius idea of having my office right across the hall from my kids' rooms, I'm not getting ANYTHING done during the day! I don't know why I bother walking in there. I walk towards the door and I have a shadow asking, "Mommy, what are you doing? You aren't going to work, are you?"
Of course not. Why would I ever want to do that? - I need a break from my kids.

I started an early morning walking group with some other moms in my neighborhood. I need the exercise, don't get me wrong, but it's mostly the only time I have with other adults, even if it is for only 45 minutes at the crack of dawn.

Earlier this summer, I brought up the topic of having fun kid activities lined up for this summer on the neighborhood website. I had all sorts of feedback! You wouldn't believe all of the awesome ideas these folks were forking out.

Just in case you want the list:

Sell lemonade AND wash bikes for a buck.
Giant

Let me tell you how excited I was.... I ALMOST had the ambition to do cartwheels in the backyard. I couldn't wait for the super-mommies in the neighborhood to get things rolling! The very next day I was receiving inquiries on when I was going to set up these activities. Crap. Me? No. Not happening. So, now you have an awesome list of ideas for your kids to fill up their summertime with their little friends. I'm going to keep working on finding a sucker to take up the job here in my hood. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Your Kids have TOO MANY TOYS! Now What?

Your kids have too many toys. Your friends have told you. Your neighbors have told you. The babysitter has told you several times. What's stopping you from doing something about it? Ah, yes. The crying and screaming that you don't want to deal with is the reason your home is in complete chaos and you can't walk across your kid's bedroom without stepping on something. Let's work on NOT having a sharp pain under your foot for a while, shall we? Here are some steps you can take to clean it out!

Step 1. The first thing you need to do is stop adding to the collection of JUNK that seems to end up

under the bed... or even your bed for that matter. You do not need to buy a toy every time you step into Target just so you can go shopping in peace. If you're having a problem breaking that habit, give the kids their own shopping list. It'll give them a responsibility as well as keep you on track. Let's save you some money while you're at it!

Step 2. Talk to your friends and relatives. Let them know that you are clearing things out. They might have some ways to help "make things disappear" or they will at least know that they don't need to add to the collection any time soon.

Step 3. Give them the opportunity to pick out what they want to lose first. You can get creative with this, too. You can put out some boxes with labels that show whether the child wants to sell it (garage sale! Let them keep the money!), donate it to children that don't have toys, or toys that are broken and need to hit the trash can. This can amazingly cut that pile in half.

Step 4. Pack up half of what's left in storage tubs. They can pick what goes in them to play with later, because it's time to rotate. If your child has too many options, they lose imaginative skills. They need to be creative with what they have! You can switch them out every six months, which gives you another opportunity to clean out the newest junk.

Step 5. This may be hard at first, but you can tell your child(ren) that if you find a neglected toy where it doesn't belong, it goes in a donation box. Basically, "It's mine. You lost it when you decided not to take care of it." It hurts at first, but eventually they'll catch on.

Step 6. If you really want to get creative about it, and if you are friends with moms that have kids near the same ages, you can put things into a trade box. Each kid has to put several toys in a box so they can choose one "used/new" toy out of a friend's box. This way, they may be losing a bunch of toys, but they get something else to play with. Take what's left to a facility that helps foster children!

Next thing you know, you have managed to get rid of at least a fourth of the junk that's taking up so much space. You won't hear "I"M BORED!" quite so often. The only project left will be to show your children how to keep what they have organized. Unfortunately, this is a "lead by example" situation. Have them help you organize a room that you've been ignoring, and in turn, help them organize. It won't happen overnight, that's for sure. But either decide to take action, or keep stepping on toys. Your choice!

NOW GET ORGANIZING!

Monday, June 15, 2015

Patience is a Virtue

According to Wikipedia, "Patience is a virtue is a proverbial phrase referring to one of the seven heavenly virtues typically said to date back to "Psychomachia," an epic poem written in the fifth century." Also stating, " The first virtues were identified by the Greek philosophers Aristotle and Plato, who regarded temperance, wisdom, justice, and courage as the four most desirable character traits. After the New Testament was written, these four virtues became known as the cardinal virtues, while faith, hope and charity were referred to as the theological virtues."

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have heard the saying "Patience is a virtue" anywhere from movies to my parents. It seems to have outweighed the other 7 virtues over time, that's for sure. I have decided that it is primarily used by parents or our elders as a way to basically say, "shut up and wait, because I can't do anything about it." I have even let it slip out of my mouth a time or two, being pretty ironic coming from the least patient person EVER!

Today, as I wasn't feeling that hot (I laid in the bed most of the day being super lazy), my children kept asking me when we were going to do something fun this summer. I looked at my daughter like she had completely lost her mind at some of the ideas she brought to the table. She said, "Let's just go to Hawaii for a few weeks." Right... let me get right on that. My son wanted to go to the neighborhood pool, which he mentioned every hour on the hour. Again, I looked at him like he was crazy and didn't even respond. I told them bright and early that I was taking a sick day and to go play with the abundance of junk they have all over the house!

They eventually just pushed me too far and so after dinner, it was off to the getting ready for bed

routine. My son took approximately an hour to get a shower and brush his teeth. He's eleven, therefor he dragged that one out 4 times what it should have taken. My daughter took 15 minutes to pick out her pajamas, 30 minutes in her "relaxing bubble bath", and 45 minutes to dry off and get her pajamas on. I'm still trying to figure out how they managed to argue with each other the majority of this whole process, considering they were using two different bathrooms. It amazes me.

As it is summer, we had already surpassed bedtime by two hours at the point where I was turning red in the face and I'm pretty sure a few new white hairs sprang from my head. I think I said go to bed at least 8 times ( I don't exaggerate this), when my son came to me with a VERY important question. "Did you remember to schedule your doctor appointment last week like you were supposed to?" OMG, Kid, you have got to be freaking kidding me! Are you serious? It's Sunday night, way past your bedtime, and you want to know if I scheduled MY doctor appointment? Seriously? No. Just, no.

I looked at him with one of those "looks" that your grandma gave you right before she bit your head off for breaking something of value... he ran. I've seen this kid run like the wind, but never this fast. He was just GONE. Quiet... finally it was quiet. I was sure they were asleep. I started cleaning up the mess they had made from getting ready for bed when I hear this tiny little whisper from my daughter's doorway, "Patience really is a virtue, Mommy. You are supposed to be patient with me and my brother. It's important." "Oh, really?" I said, "Why is that?"
Barely peeking her head around the doorway at this point she responds, "Because you have to do it again tomorrow."

I had no response. Logically, she was right. I was going to be doing it again the very next day. "Goodnight. Go to bed."

Definition of Patience: noun
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

Friday, June 12, 2015

Be a Giver VS. Get a husband!

Anyone that has been around a young child knows that kids are initially very needy. They can't function alone. Need examples? Here's a few:

Wiping butts
Picking boogers
Fixing meals
Brushing teeth
Washing hands
Reading labels on EVERYTHING

So, having two kids is double the fun! I'm constantly helping one or the other. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? Heck, no! Would I do things differently if I could turn back the clock? Never.

It has been a constant topic in the media and governments around the world on how single parents are able to raise their children to "be the best they can be" when on a single parent income, and without a father figure to round things out. CNN has recently shared an article AGAIN bringing attention to Republican 2016 presidential contender Jeb Bush's 1994 comment, "If people are mentally and physically able to work, they should be able to do so within a two-year period. They should be able to get their life together and find a husband, find a job, find other alternatives in terms of private charity or a combination of all three," Hello, slap-in-the-face.

I am perfectly happy being single. I don't want to date right now, as I don't think it's what's best for myself or my children. (Another story for another day) Would it help bring more money into the home? That's a question for women that are supporting their entire families, husbands included.

I have friends from all over that would have different viewpoints on that topic.

Single mom of 4 with two jobs and a loving family
Single mom of adopted child that is learning as she goes
Married mother of 1 and full-time step mother to 3
Married mother of 2 working from home
SEVERAL recently divorced single moms

You can't have one solution that applies to every scenario! Children watch their mothers very closely. They mimic their reactions, words, facial expressions, and deductive reasoning... which is why I bring up Being a Giver.

Over the past few years, I've found that it is easier and more healthy to divide your day into three parts:

Time for yourself: eat, sleep, meditate, self-care, etc.
Work. You have to make a living, right? Let's include paying the bills in this category.
Give your time helping others. This can include a conversation with the little ones in a car ride across town, volunteering for a non-profit, helping a friend move her furniture, letting a sibling vent your ear off about how sucky their day was... you get the point?

My children watch what I do. They see how tired I am, and God love them, they TRY to give me quite time when I need it. They see that I work on things that are important to me, necessary as a family, and helpful to others. They don't ask why I'm helping a friend get their non-profit up and running. They don't ask why I didn't buy the name brand cereal at the store instead of the generic brand. They don't ask "why?" about many things because it's what they KNOW. I want my children to be strong and independent when they are adults, not dependent on someone else. If they learn one thing from me in life, I'd prefer that it be my three-part-day. Sometimes it won't work perfectly, but it builds character.

Does anyone have their life together? I'll ask God one day about that... because I sure don't see that happening anytime soon. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll give of myself until I can give no more, and will continue to do so, before I "get a husband."

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Words we shouldn't use

I'm having one of those moments when I just want to shout "SHUT UP!" at the top of my lungs because (only God knows why) my children that are five years apart need to fight with each other like they're about to jump into a boxing ring. "Those be fightin' words" comes to mind when I look into my daughters eyes as she's glaring into my son's. Pure rage.
How we handle ourselves in these situations is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I've had to break up a fight and run for my room... just to get a grip on my own temper! Is it just me, or do kids have this sense of when you're about to crack and then slam down the hammer with another bout of screaming?
I have seen so many different forms of parenting. One of my sisters is a teacher, for heaven's sake! But I don't believe in time out, because no child is ever going to sit there and think about what they did wrong. Time out is for parents that are about to blow their top and the safest place for said child is sitting down somewhere quietly... away from the twitching hand. I'll admit it. I'm a yeller. That's when they know they can still have a little room to get away with whatever they're doing. The minute I stop yelling, they know they've pushed me too far.

I am all for the revoking of privileges and electronics (or whatever is most important to them at the time), so I am currently threatening their summer swimming time. I know what you're thinking. What single mom has time for that? Considering the fact that most of my work is done at home in my own timing, my kids are with me ALL summer. No dads on the weekends, no friends that live nearby to dump them on, no summer camps (cause those suckers cost some serious $), and in my situation... Nana isn't happening. I get to keep my unhappy little campers right here at home! There was one rule that did stick as school let out for the year, though. "If you say you're bored, I'll give you something to do." Twelve days in, and I have the house somewhat cleaner than it normally is, my electric bill will be lower (thank you paperback books), and I am no longer in charge of making lunches. Go me!
So, I'm sitting here gritting my teeth so I don't yell "SHUT UP" and thinking of other words that I'd prefer to say but won't. Here's my question for you:

How do you personally control your temper when your child is out of control?

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